And So It Is

Confessions.

May 11, 2012

Confessions. Part 1.

1. I like to feel safe.

I have a yearning to feel safe.

The pop psychologist in you will say Well, Jen, that is because your dad died when you were young and all you ever want is to go back to feeling safe because that felt very, very unsafe.

Probably this is true.

Regardless, I do things to stay safe.

Even if they make me miserable sometimes such as waitressing at the same restaurant for 13 years because I was scared to leave.

I married a man I love deeply but who indeed makes me feel very safe.

I am not talking about the I will protect you because I am so tough kind of safe although he keeps a gold club by our bed. (Yes, I too am not sure what that could ever ever do.)

He makes me feel safe because he loves me unconditionally. Except when I am a slob, which I am quite a lot. Then he still loves me, he just gets aggravated. I get that.

He checks my car to make sure it has oil and gas. He waters the plants. He puts his hands on my forehead and tells me not to worry, that everything will be okay.

There it is!

Those used to be my fantasy words.

Perhaps they still are?

I have said aloud many times throughout my childhood and teen years even. All I wanted was for someone to tell me: It’s going to be alright. 

My husband does that.

And he means it. He believes it. He believes in me.

He makes me feel good. And sexy. And beautiful. And talented.

And safe.

So yes, I am being honest. I like to feel safe.

So here is my confession which I thought I would save for my book.

2. I suck my thumb.

I have for over 35 years.

There must have been years in adulthood when I stopped but lately I notice I have been  doing it again, usually when I don’t even realize it.

It’s like nothing I could ever explain to you the feeling of safety it gives me. The feeling of relaxation. The feeling of being high. The feeling of it’s going to be alright.

Psychologists say the habit is a comforting gesture that mimics the feelings gained from breastfeeding as a baby, sending a rush of endorphins to the brain.

So what do I do?

It’s not like I walk around with my thumb in my mouth but it is indeed a comforting vice I allow myself. And, perhaps the reason I have been doing it more lately is directky related to the lack of judgement from my husband, from the safety he provides. Perhaps  I feel more stress and it is my way to make me feel slightly better.

We all have something.

Some drink wine. (I have done.)

Some over eat. ( I have done.)

Some starve themselves. ( I have done and done again.)

Some over exercise. ( I have more than done.)

Some have too much sex. (Not so much.)

Some sleep too much. ( I have done.)

Some shop with money they do not have. ( I have done.)

Whatever it is, we all have things that make us feel safe, even if they are actually causing us to stay in a dark place, albeit a safe one, because it is what we know.

Better the Devil you know….

The point is that I am confessing to something I observe in myself. This yearning to feel safe.

Is it crippling me? No. Not at all.

Are there things that I am doing that I could change? Yes. Many.

For example, I have already had braces and I hated them. I do not need buck teeth in my 30’s.

I can also attempt to find these feelings in other ways. Maybe I can get that same endorphin rush through exercise, except this time without feeing like I need to exercise 4 hours a day (yes, I did that.) Maybe I can get that feeling through meditation.

Maybe not.

Maybe I will suck my thumb and like to feel safe until I die.

Most of you won’t know. You will like me anyway.

3. I have many more but this post can only be so long to keep your attention.

You will go on and do the things that you do to keep you feeling safe or alive or relevant or scared or lovable or whatever way you need to feel to keep on keeping on in the world.

What’s your confession?

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  • Reply barbarapotter May 11, 2012 at 10:22 pm

    You forgot you still need your mommy…. Or is it that I still need you:)

    • Reply ManifestYogaJen May 11, 2012 at 10:26 pm

      ha i couldn’t put everything in one post xoxo love u

  • Reply Sara May 11, 2012 at 11:00 pm

    my confession? That if i don’t change my eating habits I’ll be diabetic like my mom, and that I don’t think I’m strong enough to change.

  • Reply jamesvincentknowles May 12, 2012 at 12:18 am

    My confession, for now, just to keep it short is I don’t know anything. And the good need is, you don’t know anything either.

    If your ego just said something like, “yes I do!” or “oh what nonsense!”, then call me. Or invite me to coffee. We’ll share some “stuff and nonsense,” as the Brits say.

    It’s good to clear one’s history of what is essentially stuff & nonsense. Seems that sort of reveal is good for the soul ~ I believe such confessions are part of our life long learning / spiritual growth process. Indeed it seems anything we do that reveals to ourselves who we really are is vital to living wholeheartedly.

    Shit Jen-! Suck your thumb if it feels good. WTF, thumb sucking might even be one of those things we thought we knew to be bad that’s really good. I just tried it myself but all I got out of it was a wet thumb. Haha…. Woulda been cool if it had made me feel good though.

    At least I know what does make me feel good, but again, I really don’t know anything except it does feel good to connect with other people. But I digress.

    Right now I feel good. When I catch myself going back in time in my mind, or forward in my mind, things can get a little less than clear. It’s all a bit of a conundrum. But right now, I feel connected with the Universe & that concept has grabbed my attention. I think I’ll pray & meditate on all this tonight & work on my confession list later. It’s probably very long & shocking. Stuff & nonsense, probably. But what do I know?

    Namaste

  • Reply Paul May 12, 2012 at 12:32 am

    I’m not as good of a person as I pretend to be.

  • Reply Enlighten Up World May 12, 2012 at 6:06 am

    My confession? I love candy. But I don’t want to eat candy and actually digest a bunch of sugar, so what do I do? I buy bags of bubble gum on occasion. I cannot just have one or two or even three pieces. No, I will eat the ENTIRE bag in like an hour. I chew a couple of pieces, then when the yummy flavor runs out, I spit it out in a napkin, and chew some more. I will just sit and chew gum continuously until its gone. It looks like a crazy person. My husband says if anybody knew I did this, they would think I was coo coo for cocoa puffs. So there. I said it. I LOVE bubblegum.

  • Reply Tina S. May 12, 2012 at 8:55 am

    My confession is that I like to tell people I’m doing well when I’m not. Sometimes I don’t realize I’m doing it, but a lot of the time, it just makes me feel better (and safe) to know that people think I’m fine when I’m not.

  • Reply nikky44 May 13, 2012 at 10:04 am

    My Confession is that i am not as strong as people believe I am 🙁

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