Browsing Tag

equinox

And So It Is, Forgiveness, Inspiration, Owning It!

How Kindness Works.

February 8, 2013

I got in a car accident the other night.

I was driving to teach my yoga class and just short of making it there I saw a car in front of me stopped. I stopped in time so as not to hit the car. The car in back of me however, slammed into me. The first word out of my mouth was Fuck and then my body shook.. My phone flew under the brake and the car got stuck in reverse and started rolling backward and tapped the car that had smashed into me and then a pretty woman cop was at my passenger window and mouthing something as she mimed a motion that probably said Roll down your window or Calm down. I shook harder. She came over to my side and got in (I must have gotten out at some point) and she got the car unstuck and moved it to the side of the road and the other drivers and I congregated on the curb. I was trying to call Equinox to tell them I had been in an accident and couldn’t get there to teach my yoga class but the guy cop was yelling at me to get off my phone and that he had been doing this too long or something like that. I couldn’t hear. I could hear but I couldn’t listen rather. I was gone. Somewhere else.

When she slammed into me maybe I died or maybe I floated away but when the cop said that no one was injured so he wouldn’t take a police report but that we had to get each other’s information I just nodded Uh-huh and shook. I was the only one panicking. And I kept saying I am sorry because we had all been in an accident and wasn’t that the polite thing to do? No one else said I am sorry so when I came home and told my husband I started to obsess that once again I had screwed up. I had opened my big mouth and because of being a people pleaser I was going to be at fault. I was going to jail. I was wrong. I messed up. Someone crashes into me and I apologize?

I haven’t been able to get out of bed for two days. I was depressed and my back hurt terribly from the impact. I was feeling sorry for myself and vulnerable and terrified to drive. Something this small rocked me so hard I thought. What exactly am I made of?

Why did I apologize? Apologizing denotes guilt. I was the only one that said I am sorry. I also noted that night the irony that I was the yoga teacher and the most freaked out. They were both so calm as if they’d had many car accidents and this was just another rung on the bedpost. The girl who hit me, her hood was smashed badly, and yet she seemed bored and un-phased. Me? I drifted into oblivion when she crashed into me and headed straight for my bed where I have yet to emerge.

It takes such little to shake me. My iPad gets lost or stolen (I will never know) and I have an accident and poof! I am bed-ridden, lost, scared of my shadow as well as the rain and the cars on the road and the idea of waking up in the morning, of being up with the lark.

While I was lying in bed yesterday and feeling this overwhelming sense of what’s it all for anyway? I posted on my Facebook the following question:

What is the kindest thing anyone has ever done for you?

I don’t know why I asked it. I was in a foul people-hating mood. Maybe that is precisely why I asked it. Maybe I needed a reminder of kindness.

So I am laying in bed and the heat is blasting even though it wasn’t cold and I live in Southern California, and I am sweating and freezing and I start to cry reading the responses from my Tribe on Facebook.

Here’s one:

Nicole Markardt I was in a horrible car accident when I was 18. My back broke in 2 places, lying on a beach after the car rolled off of a bridge. A man ran through traffic… ran down rocks to the beach and back into traffic to flag down anyone that could call an ambulance ( pre cell phone). He gave me CPR. He even brought me flowers in the hospital. His name was Gabriel. Like the archangel. He cried when he saw I survived. I believe in the kindness of strangers.

I wanted to believe in the kindness of people again. Someone used my iPad on Monday so it obviously wasn’t coming back. Someone crashed into me and whether it was an accident or not did not say I am sorry. So many crap things happening and if I keep looking I will keep finding them. 

We find what we look for.

I broke into my ex-boyfriend’s apartment once. I used a credit card to unlock his door and let myself in.

He forgave me eventually. We had a big fight and he called me crazy and told me to get out but, eventually, we made up and went on to have about 2 years of more of the same, minus the “breaking in” with the credit card.

I didn’t think of it as breaking in at the time. He’d never use keys to let himself in his own apartment. We would come back to his place and he would slide a credit card through the space between the doorjamb and the door and voila! The door would open. It made him proud how easy it would be to rob his place. 

I had never thought of it as breaking in until he said that. I simply thought I was being cute. How could it be breaking in when the credit card was the way we always got in the door? The credit car was the key!

Except I knew. I knew he would be upset. I knew he never wanted me to stop by un-announced or call him my “boyfriend” but I did it anyway. I had such an adrenaline rush as I was sliding that card through the crack in the door that my whole body shook  like it did in the accident but worse.

Find what you are looking for.

I knew I could possibly catch him cheating. He was in bed though when I slid the credit car through the door and walked in. Asleep. He jumped up when I crawled in next to him and called me crazy and said that I broke in and that I needed to get out.

Look for someone to disappoint you hard enough and they will.

On some level, I knew he would react exactly how he did, but, since there are always two of us (at least) I ignored Voice #1 and went instead with Voice #2 in hopes I would catch him fucking someone else or doing something awful and I could say Uh-huh! People suck. You let me down. I knew it! People will fail you. See?

But he was asleep and he kicked me out and eventually we made up and went on to have a disastrous coupe of years but I think back on how I really let him down. His rules may have stank and he may have been a jerk but who was I to let myself in when he never gave me that permission, no matter how cute I thought it would be?

I wanted to fail.

I wanted to prove that people suck. Even me.

Yesterday I laid in my bed and posted that question on Facebook because I needed a reminder of the good in the world.

That’s why I said I was sorry when I was in the middle of the accident sandwich. I wasn’t at fault but I thought it was the human thing to do. The kind thing to do.

I don’t know. I don’t know if kindness counts much in the legal system but I stand by why I said it. Not all people suck. Some do. Can I say that as a yoga teacher? ( I just did, so I guess so.)

I don’t suck. 

I am kind. 

And there is a lot of kindness around us. It moved me to read about the things people posted on my Facebook and it reminded me how all we have to do is hear about it, read about, witness it, and kindness will live inside us. We don’t even have to be the one the kindness is meant for specifically, and yet and still, it will live somewhere within us as if it was meant for us specifically. That’s how it works.

BTCLOGOfinal

Free Stuff, Inspiration, Yoga, Yoga Classes

The Time to Be Holy is Now.

December 24, 2012

Christmas Eve morning. I taught my last yoga class this morning before I head off to London.

Class this morning was holy. It was sacred and I don’t care if you are religious or not, it was a moment in time where connection was possible, and not only possible, but rampant.

Where love was there in the room and no one questioned its presence, no one doubted it’s intention or wondered Will you stay?

The class moved like we’d rehearsed (we hadn’t.)

That’s what happens when you allow things to flow, you find yourself all of a sudden in synch with your own life. You find that everything is easy and it may not always be easy but right now in this moment, it is easy. And that feels holy and right.

The class this morning was quiet and powerful and full of laughter and I thought what a gift, what a gift, over and over as I led them through the postures. What a gift I get to meet these people on this day. On any day! What are the odds that with all the billions of people we get to meet? To move together? What are the odds? Now, that’s holy.

I asked the room: “How many of you have had moments of insurmountable joy this past year?”

Many raised their hands.

And then, “How many of you have had unspeakable heartbreak and/or loss in 2012?”

Many raised their hands.

“You see” I said “They always go hand in hand.”

There was a 50/50 spilt right down the center. Perhaps it veered more towards the joy. Perhaps it veered more towards the pain. Either way.

How holy that we meet on this day. That we meet at all. That we connect. That we can say I stood here. I prayed here.

That we can say I was here at all.

What a gift that I was able to be part of that class this morning.

 The time is now.

Move forward from where you are. Take with you the little bits of happiness and the shards of hurt too, if you want, if you want to remember all of it, but move forward, because the time is now.

The time is now to turn inward and see what I see. (You won’t see it exactly the way I see it. That’s okay. It’s not really meant for you that way. Your beauty is for you to give away) but what I am saying is that you must know it’s there.

You must trust its there. You must put on your coat and walk into the light or into the snow or into the house with the fireplace and a glass of wine waiting there and you must know that the time is now to leave the darkness behind.

It ebbs and flows. You can count on that. There might be moments or years where you feel the darkness descending and, when that happens, remember what it felt like to be connected. To be light. To be holy. Or call me. I will remind you. (I hope you extend the same for me because Lord knows, I ebb and flow the hell out of life.)

Remember being in synch. What that felt like. Remember what it felt like to move in time with someone next to you, someone who maybe you’ve never met and will never meet again and if only for that brief moment who you moved with, like you were attached. Like you were connected.

It’s always there even when we forget that it is.

That is why I love yoga. That is why I will never ever stop teaching yoga even as I pair down my schedule and teach less.

The time is now to be holy.

Can you feel it? Can you hear it cracking, that shell around your heart? White as moon and made of the bones of your past? The bones may lay in a heap, and, if you let them, they will slowly rise and trail off for some dinner. They will leave you alone.

They won’t forget you nor you them, but they will soften the grip they have on you. Their fists opening, your heart fluttering away.

Now is the time.

Happy Holidays. I love you guys. Thank you. Stay connected. Stay open. Loosen your grip.

(Enjoy 10 free days of online yoga classes with me by using code jenp10 at YogisAnonymous.com)

Thanks Jenni Young as usual.

Thanks Jenni Young as usual.

healing, love

What Love Does.

December 11, 2012

Have you ever felt it? That Don’t leave me pang right square in your chest, in that place you didn’t know existed until you did?

In yoga class, someone is pressing your shoulders down in savasana (final resting pose) or rubbing your back as you are in child’s pose, and you never want them to leave, as if a possibility existed in some corner of the world where you two could exist like that: as giver and receiver in some dark space? How it almost feels like the first time you have ever been touched in your whole life. You feel that safe.

That wide open.

This is why most of us love being touched in yoga, especially during passive poses, when we are nothing but a receiver, a net for love. When else do we let our guards down that much? I know I don’t.

Yesterday I got a massage as treated to me by my friend Katie for my upcoming birthday tomorrow. This massage was much needed because apparently a train had been running through my head and had crashed behind my eyes, leaving me a broken heap of steel and muscle. I had subbed out my 4 pm yoga class and couldn’t leave the dark of my room until the massage appointment.

There’s a point early on in a massage where I start to obsess about when it is going to end. As early as two minutes into it. This won’t last long enough. Same when someone touches me in a yoga class, my own shoulders pinned down like some kind of stuck thing and I think I know you are going to leave. You are going to get up and go and my shoulders are going to fly back up and I might even fly away with nothing holding me in place any longer. 

Last night, about three minutes into my massage, I felt myself drifting and then catching myself right on the cliff of pleasure wondering how much time was left. Push me off the cliff, dammit! 

How can I worry about when something is going to end when it is barely just beginning?

In Bali at one point very early in our trip, I looked around at the pool and our house in Ubud with all the little flowers on the towels and the fried cassava in bowls by our feet and I’d said I am sure going to miss this place. My husband, as if I was insane: We haven’t even left yet! It was as if it was the first time I’d noticed that fact. Oh, we haven’t left yet, have we? We are still here. We are still safe. So I’d eaten a “cassava chip” which was oddly like a “potato chip” and sat back to enjoy the way it felt, the salt and the greasy crunch and the way it made me thirsty and I wondered if everyone worried that there wasn’t enough.

Am I terrified of being comfortable? Because it won’t last?

Nothing lasts. Not forever anyway. When a teacher comes over to me and that end of a yoga class to press down on my shoulders or rub my head I always ask can you stay there? sometimes out loud, sometimes not.

That is the crux of it all, isn’t it? Can you stay there? can you not go? Can you make me feel safe?

I want to make people feel that way and I think that I do, at least in some small way, that blanket of limbs and touch and non-judgement and fireplaces and glasses of wine and unparalleled listening skills and here I have you. I am not going anywhere.

I used to think I wanted things to last forever.

I remember my first boyfriend Danny, my first serious love and one of my only serious loves, and how he would call me from his dorm room in Boston and how I would lie in my bunk bed at NYU and ask him to tell me that we would last forever. He wouldn’t. A smart move. And we didn’t.

After four years, he broke up with me one February like someone with no balls! How dare you do this over the telephone after so many years? So naturally I got on the Peter Pan bus, a teary eyed skinny and freezing mess, schlepping all the way to Boston in the snow so he could break up with me to my face. And who am I kidding? I am sure a part of me (most of me) wanted to beg him not to break up with and to tell me that he’d made a mistake. I arrived and knocked on all his friends’ doors until I found him. They’d all had that part sympathy and part I am so glad I am not that guy look.

I spent the weekend in his apartment in Boston curled in a ball and sobbing and when he put my spaghetti limp body on the bus back to New York City, he hugged me for 3 solid minutes, (again I had hope, Maybe he won’t let go.) He did let go and that was the last time I saw him for years. And that was that. We didn’t last forever and I am glad he refused to give me that promise, even as a lie,  because I would’ve thrown it in the river with him and then jumped in after it.

I do want to be touched. (Don’t we all?) But more than that, it’s what is behind the touch, what’s under the fingers and the skin. How the touch makes me feel, and even though I know it won’t last forever, what it will, even is just for that moment, connect me to the world and hold me in place.

What’s behind everything is love. Whether it is a fear of it, a desire for it, a Fuck you I don’t believe in love or a giving away of it.

Some form of love is what beats our hearts and what carries us through those broken moments in the snow of Boston. Its what we all want and why when someone puts their hand on that spot on our chest or forehead (how do they always know the exact spot I need to be touched?) that we want to put our own hands on top of theirs and whisper in some secret language of the hands, Yes, this feels right. Yes, you can stay. Yes, I love you too.

And then your eyes open and the lights are back and you put on your boots or your sandals, depending on the weather, and your leave the yoga class. And you may get off that bus in NYC after a miserable 8 hour ride in the snow from Boston and you may forget that vow to love and how good it felt but it is there and it will always be there.

If you let it exist as if it belongs to you. As if you deserve it.

You do.

love

Delight, Yoga Classes

Look For The Whee In Everything!

September 17, 2012

whee interjection ˈhwē, ˈwē

Definition of WHEE

—used to express delight or exuberance

I have a few quirks as a yoga teacher. I have some rules. One of them, which you all know by now is: If you fall you must laugh.

Rod Stweart’s wife Penny and I for a filming of Karaoke Yoga for the British show Lorraine. She liked my rule! We laughed a lot.

Another one: You are not allowed to take YOURSELF seriously.

And then there’s: when you are hopping up and attempting a handstand you must yell “wheeee!” 

There are a few reasons behind this. One is this: try and say Whee without smiling.

See. I told you. You can’t.

In a land where most of us (read:me) take ourselves too seriously, and especially our yoga, a little smiling can go a long way. A little light heartedness to go with the light footedness.

The whee brings the joy back, the silliness, and the idea that this is not as serious as I am probably making it out to be.

It also helps you lose any self-consciousness (much as my Karaoke Yoga® class does.)

So here is the question: Can you find the Whee in all you do?

Where is the whee?

Reminds me of that awful 80’s commercial: Where’s the beef?

Look for the whee in everything.

Even in what can be perceived as a stressful situation, there is a Whee lurking somewhere. Maybe it is just laughing at ourselves for a moment.

I love when I get messages from people who move away or can no longer take my class and they say things like: I miss the Whee!

Why shouldn’t there be more Whee?

I am not suggesting you don’t take your job seriously or your yoga practice. I am suggesting you (read: me again) stop taking yourself so seriously!

Most of us are desperate for more joy, more connection, more Wheeeeeeeee!

Post below your Whee of the day.

Must have at least on Whee a day says ancient Chinese proverb!

Wheee! Filming for CBS The Doctors at Equinox! We had a lot of Wheees!

Beating Fear with a Stick, courage, Eating Disorders/Healing

Why I Do What I Do.

August 5, 2012

I have been writing an awful lot lately about my battle with anorexia and depression.

I got this email today and it came as a gentle nudge from the Universe saying Keep going Jen, keep doing what you are doing. 

Hi Jennifer,

This is Allie, one of your yoga students at Equinox South Bay. Thank you so much for allowing me to approach you this morning with questions about your recovery with an eating disorder.

My struggles with anorexia and bulimia began when I was 15 years old.

I am now 25 and consider myself about 85% recovered. I’ve actively been working in recovery for years and I am so proud of all the progress I have made, but I am not going to settle for living a life only 85% recovered from an eating disorder. I can go about life like this and be okay, but I want more. And I know that I am capable of being more.

As Dr. Wayne Dyer says, ” Do you want to be ordinary or do you want to be extraordinary”? We are all extraordinary and deserve to realize this and live life as extraordinary beings.

I don’t believe I am the eating disorder, nor will I ever allow the eating disorder to define me as I once did. I believe that I used the eating disorder as my disguise. Growing up in the persian culture, I found it extremely difficult to develop a sense of identity because of limiting cultural expectations of what a woman should be, act, etc. Thus, growing up I identified myself with an eating disorder, with an obsession with thinness because being thin and beautiful was what was idealized. It became the only thing I thought I was worth… Beauty as defined by thinness.

Now I have the power to be me, to embrace my inner perfection and uniqueness. Sounds like an amazing realization, but it’s actually very scary.

What if I don’t like myself? What if I’m not strong enough to manifest my true calling? The eating disorder responds with “well if you keep me around, if you suck at everything else at least you will still be thin and beautiful. At least you won’t be a failure and fat.” Isn’t that disgusting?

As I am sure you know, living with an eating disorder is very limiting and disempowering. I admire you so much because you have overcome this. You are a walking example of what I have always envisioned full recovery to look like for myself. You fully believe in yourself. You are spiritually so strong. You seem as though you fully embrace who you are and enjoy such a rich life. You found the courage to replace trust in an eating disorder with self-trust. You trusted in yourself that you have what it takes to manifest your darma and to live a life fulfilled- a life full of passion, joy, and happiness. This is so inspiring to me.

 

I really appreciate your willingness to meet with me next week to share about your recovery. Does next Tuesday after class still work for you? I find you so inspiring and I can’t wait to hear more about your journey of healing 🙂

 

Thank you again,

 

Allie 🙂

 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
Hi there lovely,

It’s S. I am sending my request out into the Universe (the “I want to go on Jennifer’s Maui Retreat request!”) and hoping it is meant to be. I am registering for the 2013 Winter YogaWorks teacher training, however the dates have not been firmly set (they suspect January or February – I am crossing my fingers for late Feb).

 

Again, I’m glad to have met a friend and inspirational soul such as yourself. In my junior and senior years of college I began to write about my battle with anorexia, for the first time, and I received mixed reactions. So many people are confused and simply can’t wrap their minds around the disease and just say things like, “Well…why didn’t you just eat?” Some remarks are cruel, some are simply perplexed, and some are heartwarmingly, overwhelmingly amazing (as you well know, I’m sure). I feel it is a calling of mine to write about this. To communicate to society that eating disorders HAPPEN. They’re nothing to be embarrassed about. They’re diseases. We can at least provide preventative treatment as a society. I could go on and on. I just want to thank you for the support and for being the brave voice that you are, because your MindBodyGreen piece is what led me to you. And you have had a profound impact on me thus far.

 

Sending you light and love, sweet one, be well!

S.

~~~~~

 
Hi Jen,We spoke briefly after your class at Marina del Rey last week. I take your classes at all of the different Equinoxes around town. I wanted to thank you so much for your writing and teaching. I’m currently struggling with an eating disorder and reading your posts and hearing you talk about your struggle and how far you’ve come has really helped me to see that there is a light at the end.

Thank you again for all that you do!!!

Love, O.

~~~~~~

With permission I am sharing these below so you understand how very important and powerful it is to follow what you feel to be your calling, your purpose. Your work.

Let that work be your love.

Let that love carry through your days even when you are feeling small or unsure or like you have a devil on your back.

Let it be.

Guest Posts

Karaoke Yoga Gone Global!

June 29, 2012

So I woke up this morning to the news that the Associated Press® had picked up the story of my Karaoke Yoga® and it has officially gone global.

From Singapore, to India, to the NY Daily News to Yoga Journal to The LAist.com.

I only write of this to remind you of what is possible. Under 3 years ago I was waitressing still and had been at the same cafe for 13.5 years.

I said I wanted to be a global force and today I can say I am.

#Manifest baby manifest!

I leave tomorrow for my Tuscany retreat which is full to the brim but I will be blogging and posting so stay tuned.

Here are a few of the links from today’s #karaokeyoga fest!

The LAist.com https://laist.com/2012/06/29/just_what_we_all_need_a_karaoke_yog.php
YogaJournal
https://blogs.yogajournal.com/yogabuzz/2012/06/karaoke-yoga.html
Inspiration

If You Want To Feel Good…..

June 20, 2012

If you want to feel good you must do at least 5 minutes of air guitar a day. ~Jen Pastiloff

[youtube=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LWA2N3hO9zQ&feature=youtu.be]

Thank you ABC News for coming and filming my Karaoke Yoga® class today at Equinox. And thank you all of you who drove so far. I am so blessed. I love my tribe. Most of all thank you to DJ Gina Mooring of Sing Out Loud Karaoke. She rocks! Stay tuned as we take this national. Ellen Degeneres here we come……

air guitar!!!

me, Lori Corbin of ABC and Chelsea Hagler of Equinox

And So It Is, Contests & Giveaways

Getting It Awesome.

June 8, 2012

There’s no getting it right. There’s just getting it Awesome. ~Me.

Tonight in my gentle yoga class at Equinox in Santa Monica, which, by the way is a Friday night at 7 pm, there were almost all guys. Big strapping mighty tatooed guys.

I felt inspired.

Inspiration happened to be the theme of class so it was perfect!

I love how this class, who some might think of as a wimpy version of yoga, was attracting more men than women. And on a Friday night to boot!

One guy in particular kept looking at me in that I-am-a-beginner kind of way. I went over to him.

Yes, he was a beginner but he also barely spoke English.

So he said he had to look around a lot.

I told him not to worry that I was mostly deaf and had to look around a lot too to figure out what was going on.

How similar we were!

I told them tonight that there was no getting it right.

There was just getting it awesome.

So I am quoting myself.

(It’s my blog. I can.)

This philosophy applies to all my classes but also to life.

If you have any questions about what being awesome means just go in the bathroom. Turn on the light. Look in the mirror.

There. Now that’s awesome.

Tweet me with the hashtag #gettingitawesome for a chance to win a Manifestation tank or t-shirt. 

I am @ManifestYogaJen on Twitter. Click here to send me a tweet from your badass self.

Don’t forget # sign and #gettingitawesome.

manifesting

What The What is Karaoke Yoga?

June 6, 2012

Karaoke Yoga®.

What the what?

Well, let me tell you a little about this sweet little dream of mine…. About what I manifested…. After 13 years of working in the same restaurant in Los Angeles and being very depressed and anorexic.

banner by Jenni Young Creatives, of course

We sing in my classes.

We sing a lot.

We laugh.

A. Lot.

We sometimes have dance parties.

We a lot of times have dance parties.

We do all the things I deprived myself of for years.

I got wind that my friend Aimee Nicotera was doing a “Sing & Cycle” class (karaoke with spinning) and I got a little interested.

We were having a coffee and I flat out asked: Can we do karaoke with my yoga class?

She flat out said: Done.

This is why I love her.

An idea was born.

It couldn’t be done without DJ Gina Mooring of Sing Out Loud Karaoke, of course. I will never do it without this rockstar. She is the butter to my bread. She is the glass to my wine.

Good Morning America was looking for a way to feature me and heard of this karaoke yoga and decided to fly out from NYC to film it. It aired the day after Christmas. A true dream come true. It was on my vision board.

Since then, I have been in countless magazines, both foreign and domestic for karaoke yoga and now ABC is coming back to film us June 20 at The Pasadena Equinox. 10:45 am for those in L.A.

So what is it?

It is, in a word: JOY.

It is food for your soul.

It is yoga without taking yourself too seriously.

It is singing your heart out and laughing and dancing and balancing and sweating and letting go of all your fears.

It is connecting and letting your inner light shine.

It is finding your inner rockstar.

It is being silly and not giving a damn.

It is NOT about alignment.

It is NOT about being perfect.

It is NOT about singing well.

It is about being the most you.

It is about being authentic.

It is connecting some of the greatest pleasures I know of in life: dancing, singing, yoga, connecting and good old fashioned rock’n’roll.

Let me know if you want to be a part of the ABC filming at Equinox in Pasadena on June 20th at 10:45 am. It will air June 26th.

You may never be the same.

For more info on Karaoke Yoga® or my other classes please email me at info@jenniferpastiloff.com