Books, Guest Posts, Women

Marrying George Clooney.

September 14, 2014

By Amy Ferris.

The chapter that started it all…

Please raise your hand if you have ever had a fantasy of marrying George Clooney.

I have taken a poll among my many curiously deranged, off-balance girlfriends who very often find themselves dancing, or in some cases, swaying, to the beat of their own iPod in the middle of the night.

Each one, honest to god, has a similar fantasy. Mine goes like this.

Tossing and turning, more tossing and … turning, more tossing and turning.

You slip out of bed, and find yourself standing in front of the bathroom vanity mirror: the puffy droopy eyelids, along with the ever-so-slightly sag in the jowls – and you understand on a cellular level how Faye Dunaway was able to turn herself into a radioactive trout. First it was the eyes. Let’s pull and tuck them tightly (with adding the glamour of scotch tape) so that they appear to no longer be in the center of the face. Let’s take the nose, which at one time was so perfect and straight, and now expand the nostrils so they can hide canned goods incase of a nuclear meltdown. And now the lips, it’s always such a tragedy when the mouth starts to take on the form and shape of a six-lane freeway. Why oh why do we women do this to ourselves? Really, what is the point? Because we want to get hired as the ingénue, the sexy hot babe. Hey, I’ve got news for you –we are sexy hot women, but we’re all botoxing ourselves into non-expression frenzy mode. I mean really – what is so sexy about a shiny forehead that only seems to move when you jerk your arm?

Back to my fantasy.

I go into a bar. There are a few scattered customers. Mostly drunk out of their gourd, mumbling, wobbling, and peeing in their pants. I order a cosmo, straight up, which really means cranberry juice with a twist of lime. I get up from my bar stool and saunter over to the jukebox. I play Laura Nyro and Ricky Lee Jones. I, for one, want to hear women sing about rejection and pain and unrequited love and abortion and guys named Chuck-e who yes, are in love.

And then he walks in.

Makes himself comfortable at the end of the bar. Orders a beer. Fiddles with his brand new sleek black sexy iPhone. He looks at me. I look at him. He looks at me again. I mouth, “Hey… want my number?” in perfect Italian. He looks at me in his Clooney kind of way, eyebrows tilting up, eyes looking down…a smirk…he nods. Then he slides the iPhone ever so gracefully – landing right in front of me. I punch in my ten-digit number and add a smiley face with a wink, sliding it right back to him.

“Hey,” he says, “You have Three 7’s in your number, that’s lucky.”

“Yeah,” I say. “Yeah. That’s me, Ms. Very, Very Lucky.”

Nine months to the day I give birth to our first child, whom we name Dolores Claiborne Clooney. She dies three days later under mysterious circumstances. Then I fall into a coma. And stay in a vegetative state for eight years. The only people who seem to visit me on a regular basis are Robert and Mary Schindler, Terri Schiavo’s parents, who petition to adopt me. I vaguely remember hearing someone – possibly a nurse, or an attendant – saying that George thanked me at an Oscar ceremony. He didn’t mention me by name, but did refer to me as ‘his coma girl.’

Boy George releases a single that same year, “Coma, Coma, Coma, Coma Girl” and experiences a huge comeback post jail.
I end up on the cover of Time Magazine, as “Vegetative Person of the Year.”

I wake up from my coma; George and I inevitably divorce. Amicably. I open a fast-food Vegan Restaurant, called Vegetative Taste, with a drive-through for Hybrids only. It becomes a franchise, and I am awarded the Nobel Prize.

I am jarred by the sound of an alarm clock.

My husband, Ken, upon waking, turns to me, “What’s with the scotch-tape?”
He cannot relate at all to my fantasy life with George.

 

 

 

 you can now buy my book - MARRYING GEORGE CLONEY - on kindle, right now, for $1.99 for the next few days/week. Click picture to buy book!


you can now buy Amy’s book – MARRYING GEORGE CLONEY – on kindle, right now, for $1.99 for the next few days/week. Click picture to buy book!

 bit about me: An author. A screen & television writer. A journalist & editor. I am married to Ken, who I am crazy nuts about. We have been married for 16 years. Some years have been better than others, and I’m sure he can give you, upon request, exact dates. I love writing about(all things) women. I love championing & supporting & encouraging & inspiring women, and my fervent wish (and prayer) is that all women awaken to their greatness: using their lives fully, with passion, compassion, determination, hope, self-fullness, humor, truth, authenticity, power, boldness, kindness and forgiveness. I want women to forgive themselves for all those old antiquated belief systems that were instilled and engraved in their lives by others who just didn’t know any better. I have two cats: Bella, and Lotus. Bella is named after Bella Abzug, and Lotus after the Lotus Sutra. I am a Buddhist for 36 years, although I can honestly say that some days I don’t act very bodhissattva like. I plan on working on that for the remainder of my life. Having spent a full term (7.5 years) in menopause prison, I am now free to live & interact among others. I have many, many, many girlfriends. My best boy friend is Peter Werner. I serve on the Board of Directors at Peters Valley Art, Education & Craft Center, on the Advisory Board of The Women’s Media Center and am Co-chair of Safe Haven, Inc. - creating domestic peace for women, children, and men. I am (soon to be) 54 years old.  I dropped out of High School when I was fifteen and a half, and I have never looked back. Coming from a middle class Jewish family on Long Island, this was, as you can well imagine, not received as well as I hoped. My parents sat shiva for two years.

A bit about Amy:
An author.
A screen & television writer.
A journalist & editor.
I am married to Ken, who I am crazy nuts about. We have been married for 16 years. Some years have been better than others, and I’m sure he can give you, upon request, exact dates.
I love writing about(all things) women. I love championing & supporting & encouraging & inspiring women, and my fervent wish (and prayer) is that all women awaken to their greatness: using their lives fully, with passion, compassion, determination, hope, self-fullness, humor, truth, authenticity, power, boldness, kindness and forgiveness. I want women to forgive themselves for all those old antiquated belief systems that were instilled and engraved in their lives by others who just didn’t know any better.
I have two cats: Bella, and Lotus. Bella is named after Bella Abzug, and Lotus after the Lotus Sutra.
I am a Buddhist for 36 years, although I can honestly say that some days I don’t act very bodhissattva like. I plan on working on that for the remainder of my life.
Having spent a full term (7.5 years) in menopause prison, I am now free to live & interact among others. I have many, many, many girlfriends. My best boy friend is Peter Werner.
I serve on the Board of Directors at Peters Valley Art, Education & Craft Center, on the Advisory Board of The Women’s Media Center and am Co-chair of Safe Haven, Inc. – creating domestic peace for women, children, and men.
I am (soon to be) 54 years old.
I dropped out of High School when I was fifteen and a half, and I have never looked back. Coming from a middle class Jewish family on Long Island, this was, as you can well imagine, not received as well as I hoped. My parents sat shiva for two years.

Jennifer Pastiloff, Beauty Hunter, is the founder of The Manifest-Station. Check out jenniferpastiloff.com for all retreat listings and workshops to attend one in a city near you. Next up: NYC, Dallas, Miami, Kripalu Center For Yoga & Health, Tuscany. She is also leading a Writing + The Body Retreat with Lidia Yuknavitch Jan 30-Feb 1 in Ojai (sold out) as well as Other Voices Querétaro with Gina Frangello, Emily Rapp, Stacy Berlein, and Rob Roberge. She tweets/instagrams at @jenpastiloff.

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4 Comments

  • Reply Tricia Tierney September 14, 2014 at 2:01 pm

    Funny. George is certainly one of the most attractive actors out there — and to think we used to sit right near each other in the cafeteria in college and I never noticed him. Must have been the mullet. Or it might have been that the Middle Eastern students he hung out with were even better looking. Sami from Yemen had crazy green eyes and a very cool demeanor. Oh, my missed opportunity!

  • Reply Carol Campbell September 14, 2014 at 3:04 pm

    I just bought your book!! You are just too funny and a great writer!

  • Reply Barbarapotter September 14, 2014 at 9:06 pm

    I love Amy Ferris hard.:)

  • Reply Kelly Cavanaugh September 28, 2014 at 7:26 pm

    Love this, Amy! ♡

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