TRIGGER WARNING This article or section, or pages it links to, contain information about sexual assault and/or rape which may be triggering to survivors.
By Kathleen Emmets.
Words on paper tearing open old wounds
Tears falling
Rolling Stone: “Rape On Campus” read the headline
Scandal at UVA
I put the magazine down and head to yoga
I focus on my breathing
Losing myself in the rhythms
Supported back bend
Heart wide open
I begin to crack
I am 16 again-
He has on heavy black boots
The kind you see on guys who ride motorcycles
Except he doesn’t
He is older
The roommate of a friend’s boyfriend
A double date
I’d never met him before
He seems fine
We smoke some weed
We go to their place
My friend and her boyfriend go inside
We are alone
On the floor in living room
He’s all over me
Fighting him off is like playing Whack-A-Mole
As soon as I get his hands off one place he puts them on another
Saying no and not being heard
He’s fumbling with the buttons on my jeans
I say no
His pants are down
I say stop
It’s ok, he says. It’s ok
He’s kissing my neck as he pulls down my pants
I say no
He is on top of me
He is inside of me
I turn my head to the right and float away
Time passes (I don’t know how long)
He kisses my cheek
He puts on his pants and those heavy black boots
He offers me a cigarette
I don’t smoke but I take it
Long, deep inhales as I come back to my body
Legs shaking
My friend takes me home
Do you like him? she asks
He was alright, I say.
I walk in the house and go straight to my room
Pink walls covered with posters of Nirvana
I crawl into bed
It’s not a big deal, I tell myself
I lock the memory behind a very heavy door
And try to forget the rape that’s not really a rape
There was no knife
No gun
Why didn’t I scream?
I didn’t hit him or try to harm him
I just said no
Repeatedly
Now, of course, I would call that rape
No means no
But then?
I wasn’t so sure
My mind had trouble making sense of it
But, my body knew
Weeks later, I could feel him moving inside of me
I would violently shake my head
Trying to rid my mind of the memory
As if I could somehow get it out like water trapped in my ear
Get it out and it will all be ok
It never is, though
You’re never quite the same
After a rape that’s not really a rape.
Kathleen Emmets is an avid music lover and yoga enthusiast. Her articles have appeared in MindBodyGreen, Do You Yoga, The Manifest-Station and Elephant Journal. She writes about her experience with cancer in her blog, cancerismyguru.blogspot.com. Kathleen lives in East Norwich, NY with her husband and son. She is a regular contributor to The Manifest-Station.
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11 Comments
Wow. Thanks for this. Almost my exact experience in high school 23 years ago. It took me a long time to accept what it truly was. I think it has damaged me in ways I never dealt with and still keep buried. I still ignore the truth of it.
My friend, my sister, you are so honest and real and lovely…it hurts. I am so sorry. Thank you for sharing your heart. It is brave. It is open and receiving all God has that is good. And your beautiful eyes shine and radiate to all who meet you– I am LIGHT!!
Xoxoxo you are such a shining, bright light. Love you, soul sister
I grew up in a small town. At the time of my not rape, I was 16 and I was in my 10th year of Catholic School… So It WAS always my sin. I am now 45, and, sadly it was the first of several incidents I carry with me…undelt with. Now that I am the parent of a 17 year old daughter, I try to really have an open dialog about sex. I have a 14 year old son too who needs to hear from me. Not everyone thinks it is rape when caught up in the moment, but it is. I’m grateful you are sharing your story. It needs to be told loudly and often. Blessings to your healing.
Wow. I know.
My heart goes out to you. Bless you. Imagine if it was your estranged husband and it happens more than once. You beg no, you say no over and over, you try to leave, you try to move. Afterwards you cry, you pray, your body shakes as you think about it. You wonder if you’ll ever be the same.
I’m so so sorry. My heart breaks for you. May you know healing. May your heart know peace. So much love your way
no your never really the same & it doesn’t matter how long time goes by if someone doesn’t know that person raped you & says ” he looked at you the wrong way ” & you start to unravel again decades later you it’s something you have to have courage & be brave on the outside while the fear on the inside you fight everyday & sometimes old patterns emerge again
An act of passion..
rape is rape …
NO IS NO ….!!!
God Bless you! So sorry for you and so proud that you share, because it eases my soul!
[…] this on my Facebook page and it immediately felt like a Thanksgiving post to me. I felt grateful to Kathleen Emmets for writing it and for her father and for all the good in the world. For all the people who are […]
[…] Kathleen Emmets is an avid music lover and yoga enthusiast. Her articles have appeared in MindBodyGreen, Do You Yoga, The Manifest-Station and Elephant Journal. She writes about her experience with cancer in her blog, cancerismyguru.blogspot.com. Kathleen lives in East Norwich, NY with her husband and son. She is a regular contributor to The Manifest-Station. […]