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jen e. smith

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Digging Through Old Love Letters by Jen E. Smith

February 23, 2012

The following is by guest blogger Jen Smith, who is now a regular contributor to The Manifestation Station. Jen’s own site ‘Retreat Yourself Well‘ is one of my favorites and I am honored to be a part of it. It’s filled with great posts and articles as well as discounted yoga retreats and teacher trainings.

Digging through old love letters….

Originally posted under: Thoughts

I came across my first Dear John letter. It made me think of letting go and moving on and how I, almost 20 years later, am learning from this 24-year-old girl on the concept of goodbye. I have some friends going through some serious heartache out there. I post this for you and as a reminder to myself of that specific ache that strikes you when you know you have to move on.

So, we keep going. We move beyond everything that we went through as children, and we forget daily. As tightly as we gripped onto not having the hurt – we move past it with as much determination. We forget the evil spirits that we brought forth, and it is a good thing. If that is as bad as it gets…then we are both very lucky. We face new challenges in new relationships, new lessons – but we got to know the demons very well, and we never want to meet them again. We just want to do whatever it is that we can to keep them far away, for we are too fragile.

And in memory our love is sweet and private. The past that we have that no one will ever understand is kept inside – only brought out when we have spent a night reaching self-destruction through whatever substance abuse that we choose, and whatever pain we miss from living with it for so long, only to let it go. Oh, sweet soft skin, oh, sweet little child language. I will miss it, and I will learn to forget it – a certain death. If only I could leave the world with you. If only I could float with your eyes and your intention. We tried our damnedest to be our own worst enemies, a type of nightmare, and resigned to try to save each other – but had no concept of what saints are made of.

dammit baby. DAMMIT.

Enjoy skimming on the water. Enjoy simplicity and ease. Name it in your life. Give it definition. When you have lived with it long enough you will wonder why you let yourself do anything else. Then, you will remember that once you understood the worst kind of fear…and that you were saved. Saved, not by me or any family member – but by the viking that is you. The man, the adult, the love that you live by, the man you were supposed to be.

I wish God had a plan for us. I wish a wizard would appear and give us back to each other with many tools, but goodbye to you, and thank God we have no time for each other anymore.

Kiss, dance around and rub on a new Goddess, who will guide you through life, it is all I want for you. Sad love, Mad love, dies sooner or later, and all that is left is a strong idea that no one will ever take you there again, and you will never know your demon again.

You are a poem I do not understand, a bird I cannot touch, a love that rips me up, and the education I professed not to study. You are selfish, you hold nothing back, you say it all, and stand..proud..a madman.. unaffected by judgement, because you can manipulate anyone back to your beauty.

I will always watch the birds on the beach fly away with your freedom, and there will not be a day that I do not cry to wish I could fly with you.

Journal entry a month later:

I felt your freedom that day in the back yard. I saw you climbing out of heartache and becoming you again, and I knew all that you were worth, even as you crawled away on your hands and knees. And as I drifted with a drifter, I wished I had your substance back. But I had to try. I had to live without you. I had to let you go. I had to let our passion soften into some unexplainable mist. And as I reach for the phone through your absence, I stop, and I think of all that I must move away from. I think of all that I wish I could have, and I realize that it should not be this hard.

Author Jen Smith

Retreat Yourself Well offers Yoga Retreats, Workshops and Events with Master Teachers and Premiere Studios at a discount. Whether you are a student, a teacher, or a studio owner, Retreat Yourself Well can help you connect with the yoga community, broaden your experience and find your next yoga adventure.

Our goal is based on the concept of full yoga event service. From learning about the presenters, their intentions, the locations, the schedules, how to prepare and how to integrate back into society after the transformations take place; Retreat Yourself Well is dedicated to helping you have a full experience.

Classes are fulfilling, that is for sure, as there are amazing teachers everywhere, but how do you invest in the yoga adventure? Take a look at our list of retreats and workshops…if you have questions, as a member you can get on our Inquiry Board and ask away. Your questions are answered within 48 hours. You will come into your next yoga journey with knowledge and intention. This is how we expand; this is how we deepen our practice. Make sure you are doing it the way that is right for you!

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