Yearly Archives: 2014

No warning. No good-byes. No nothing. I got one of those emergency phone calls – antiquated compared to today’s cell technology. My dad’s best friend was on the other end. He told me that my Dad had been in an accident. “He didn’t make it” – his exact words still ring in my ears.

So go ahead, toot your own horn. Light candles at breakfast. Wear your best perfume on a Monday. Dress up. Smile. Share. Plant a seed. Find beauty in your own backyard. And Happy Birthday from a woman who knows that the secret to aging gracefully is to enjoy your birthday 365 days a year.

And then bravely and stupidly I asked the Ouija Board: “How old will I be when I die?"

Actively engaging in my healing process has shown me that I can and do love myself. It has allowed me to create a bridge of understanding and connection to myself that has grown into a network of support and love, a wheel of light radiating from a center point, which is a (usually) fairly empowered me. As I learned to value myself, I started to attract others that honor me as well.

I know this kind of love. An old remembered intimacy. I learn that wooing, loving comes after the hurting. First, pain.

If I could eradicate any word from my vocabulary, that word would be perfect. It is an ugly word that causes more problems than it solves. Over the years, I have poured myself into it, allowed myself to bleed over its connotations of clarity and beauty, and shed somewhere between its two syllables.

so for those of you who would never bring it up and then later say, when I finally do, "I was going to say something but I didn't want you to get upset." I'M ALREADY UPSET. You mentioning it doesn't make me upset. it's not like until you brought it up....I forgot about that piece of me I'll never have again. For anyone who says, "You need to stop thinking about it. It's making you sad. I am ALREADY sad. And by the way... What's wrong with sad?

I know how to shoot to kill, but I can't shoot a gun out of a man's hand. Civilians always think cops can do that, but only Annie Oakley could have pulled off that sort of trick. I know how to stay married, but I don't how to keep passion burning in a long marriage, and maybe I also view those who say they can as I do Annie, rare, unlikely, and highly skilled.

I want to be a good person. I know I can be an a-hole sometimes. We all can. But I want to do good. I want to leave this world better.

What was the worst that could happen?