Guest Posts

Spiritual Temper Tantrums. Guest Post by Danielle Orner.

August 9, 2012
This is a guest post by the lovely Danielle Orner, who also wrote the piece “Cancer Took My Leg, Not My Spirit.

Picture of Danielle and her dad. And the video camera.

Spiritual Temper Tantrums

 

When I get really angry, I throw things.

At people.

Luckily, I have ridiculously bad aim. The tennis ball or pillow or marker goes sailing past the offending loved one, missing them by miles. I’ve never intend to hit anyone. And it only happens when my boiling blood clouds my vision and I get overwhelmed by the sense of being powerless to make my point of view heard. Still, this is not the disposition of a yogi or even that of a mature adult.

Early on, my family caught this behavior on video camera. My gap-teethed, seven-year-old self sits at a picnic table smudged with dirt and mustard. My dad’s disembodied voice talks to me from behind the lens as I get increasingly ticked off. You can hear the laugh in his voice. My tantrum is comical to all the adults but the humor only makes steam come out of my little ears. Then, the classic moment comes. The action that will go down in family lore. I pick up my baloney sandwich, which already has a big bite taken out of it, and chuck it at the camera with all my might.  Mid-air, the sandwich separates into its different parts and lands in a series of ineffectual splats.

 

I’ve worked with kids long enough to know that we all have different ways of reacting to that sense of powerlessness.  Some go limp and refuse to move. Some are runners who sprint away from any source of conflict. Some are criers and melt down. I’ve seen toddlers erupt in curses when a star-shaper block won’t fit in a square hole. As adults, we carry many of these early tactics with us. But instead of flailing and wailing at the grown-ups in our life, we throw temper tantrums directed at our circumstances – at God, or the Universes, or whatever divine being guides our lives.

 

Throughout the day, I try to meditate, pray, or make conversation. I wish I could say that these  are beautiful, wise, and calm moments but, honestly, like a child, I can get cranky. I complain. I whine. I threaten. I bargain. I accuse. I do the emotional equivalent of flopping myself on the floor. I  beg for things that even I know are bad for me. Some days, if the divine being became manifest in front of me, I’d probably chuck a juice box in his or her general direction.  And, I have to say, it would probably be pretty satisfying in the moment.

Once, when I was a teenager volunteering at summer bible camp, the kids were learning about Jonah and the whale. The creative camp director turned an entire room into a belly of a whale big enough for  the kids to crawl into. As I sat in the cool, dark dome made of paper bags, I couldn’t help but feel that this reenactment was making the wrong impression. I wanted to stay in that belly. The kids were quiet in there, almost lulled to sleep after a sweaty day of hyper activity. Sure, it might get boring after a while but the whale’s belly was safe. I could see why spiritual text are all full of people acting like toddlers and telling the spirit no.

For almost a decade, I said no. I didn’t want to talk about my life in the hospital. I wanted that chapter to be over. I wanted to be recognized for my talents and personality. I wanted to be free to create my own identity and live like a normal person. When the first email came from another person suffering with bone cancer, I said to God “Oh hell no, I am not going back to that place – not mentally, not physically, not even to help someone drowning in despair. I made it out and I am done. I’ll stay here in the whale’s belly, thank you very much.” And so I stayed – stuck and stubborn.

When I was a teen in treatment, I met a young nurse who served in the same ward where he had been treated as a pediatric cancer patient. I thought he was crazy. The oncology ward was the place I wanted to escape. I made a vow, that if I got out alive, I’d never look back. I’ve tried to keep that vow.

Recently, a friend posted the quote “what screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it is supposed to be.”

I pictured health and happiness as a world were the c-word was never uttered again. And any nudge in the direction of helping others threw me into a spiritual fit. Instead, I supported other causes and told other stories. Finally, I took a look at the star-shaped block in my hand and stopped swearing about how it wouldn’t fit in a square hole. I realized that the events in my past where not a detour from the path I was supposed to take. They were the path. Call it dharma or destiny, I had messages I need to share. And when I stopped throwing things, paused in my stream of nos, and took a breath, I was amazed by how easily opportunities slid into place. Already, I can feel the sand, the sun, the waves, and the realization that it was very lonely staying safe and stubborn in a stinky, dark whale’s gut.

 

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5 Comments

  • Reply jamesvincentknowles August 9, 2012 at 10:50 am

    Danielle,

    When I cry, I don’t cry for me, I cry for you and me & everyone else who needs a squeeze and a big warm hug. The welling up comes not from happy or sad. What is this thing that happens when the flush of warmth lets itself be known the minute, the second, I let myself feel you or me or another?

    Perhaps the tears that fall are meant to be a tiny part of me being released; testing, tasting, taking the smallest risk, a little bit of me trying to escape the dark, safe, & lonely, that most painful place, by the lure of that which is outside of me.

    Can’t help but to notice it when it happens, it’s such a powerful thing. I think it might be that little tiny part, the square-root-fraction & essential foundation of love that we can feel deep inside when it happens, when we look out from the shade & see the light.

    Maybe it’s just a thought, a whim, I don’t know, I really don’t. But I feel it. Maybe it’s real, warm, orange glowing empathy?

    Thank you for sharing all this. For your courage and sweetness too. Big warm orange squeezie hug from me to you~!

    • Reply daniorner August 9, 2012 at 9:33 pm

      Thank you for your virtual squeezie hugs! I so appreciate your thoughtful, sincere comments. I love to know when connections have been made through writing. Thank you for your empathy and understanding. Let’s spread those hugs! =)

  • Reply Chelle aka Writer Yogi August 9, 2012 at 12:00 pm

    I am so glad you are finding peace with your past and making steps toward where you are meant to be. This is very well written. I can relate with the anger thing. I dont throw things but when im mad i insist on being able to feel mad. Whether you are making a valid point to feel batter about it I must have my moment. I suppose that is me putting the star in the square as you so eloquently put it. Respect to you following your true path! Out of the belly and into the sunshine lady.

    • Reply daniorner August 9, 2012 at 9:41 pm

      Yes, anger is definitely a step we sometimes need to pass through. I am not a very patient person and I am trying to learn to respect the process. I like writing books about the classic hero’s journey because there always has to be a point of denying the call. Like in the Lord of the Rings, we all have a bit of hobbit in us that says “who me, but I am nothing but a little hobbit against the big bad world.” And then the universe says “exactly.” I truly believe we are all selected for something special that only we can accomplish in this life. The further of the beaten path and out of our comfort zone the better! That is where the adventures begin!

  • Reply Spiritual Temper Tantrums « Danielle Orner January 18, 2013 at 6:10 pm

    […] *Originally published at Manifeststation Yoga http://manifestationyoga.com/2012/08/09/spiritual-temper-tantrums-guest-post-by-danielle-orner/ […]

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