Ever since she’d been diagnosed with bladder cancer a few months ago, I’d been bargaining with God (I’m not religious, mind you). First, I asked God to allow Tiki to survive until I got back from a trip to Toronto. She survived. Then I asked God to allow her to survive until my oldest son came home from college for fall break. She survived. Most recently, I asked that she be allowed to survive until Christmas when my younger son was due to return home. But as her steady decline quickened its pace it was clear I’d bargained all my chips away and there would be no Christmas miracle. So I changed tactics and selfishly began praying that she would die peacefully in her sleep so that I wouldn’t have to put her down. But she didn’t die in her sleep. Why would she? Even if her body was was no longer working for her, she loved life too much to give up. But signs that the inevitable was near were there no matter: The click, click, click of her nails as she paced across the the slate tiles in our home woke me night after night; and the fur around her eyes turned dewy as if she was suffering from a fever. And then, despite all my magical thinking and best attempts at praying, she let us know with one large pool of blood-filled urine that there was precious little life left to wring from her body.
My husband and I spread sheets in the back the car and lifted her onto the seat. We drove to her favorite bridle path where we thought we’d take her for a short walk before heading to the vet’s office. However, as soon as she picked up the scent of that old familiar trail, her nostrils flared and she caught her last second wind. We walked nearly a mile, further than she’d walked since 2010 when she blew out her knee chasing a raccoon across our deck. We passed by a corral where we used to stop every day and feed the horses carrots. I clicked my tongue and a black and white mare left her feeding trough to come greet us. I had nothing to offer her and thought as soon as she realized I was empty handed she’d go back to her supper. Instead, perhaps sensing something, she raised her muzzle over the fence and placed it on my shoulder. Leaning the side of her head against my face she breathed a warm, soft exhale onto my cheek and neck. I surrendered into this beast’s tender embrace of my sorrow.
The mare then did something even more unexpected. She raised her head back over to her side of the fence and bent down to where Tiki’s own muzzle was poking through the chain links. She touched her nose to Tiki’s through the fence. Just like God’s finger reaching out for Adam’s, she seemed to communicate, one animal to another, “take this moment, this beauty with you to the other side so that you may remember how good life was.”
Several dog-loving friends advised me to arrange for a home euthanasia but unlike other dogs, Tiki never seemed to mind doctor’s visits. Besides, I’ve been taking my pets to see Dr. Singh since 1997, and he and and his staff were extended family to me. We were greeted with a sad smile from the receptionist, and Tiki was escorted to her usual examining room. She stood patiently while the doctor felt her bladder. He confirmed we were doing the right thing. As he and his assistant led Tiki out the exam room to go place the catheter in her leg, my husband silently reached over and took my hand. I sat still, attempting a breathing technique I’d learned from years of practicing yoga, hoping it would help me through what was about to go down.
The assistant returned with Tiki and spread a fleece blanket on the floor. She and I knelt down and Tiki obediently followed my guide to lie down. The doctor came back into the room with two needles, the first containing a general anesthetic, the second a large dose of phenobarbytal which would stop Tiki’s heart. He placed the first needle into the catheter and began squeezing the pink fluid into Tiki’s vein. I thought to myself, “it’s not too late, I can still change my mind!”. Instead I simply cradled Tiki’s head as it slowly descended to the floor. Just as the assistant had warned me, her eyes did not close. I couldn’t bare to watch as Dr. Singh inserted the second needle but I knew he had because Tiki’s amber-speckled, soulful brown eyes began to cloud over. I said aloud to no one in particular, “the eyes are the window to the soul”. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw the doctor place his stethescope on Tiki’s chest and listen.
Some time later, a few seconds, an hour–who knows?–I heard the doctor whisper, “That’s it”. With his words, I exhaled, realizing I too had stopped breathing (not exactly the breathing technique I’d been angling for). The room then fell silent and Tiki’s spirit–as evidenced by her fully occluded eyes-left the auditorium.
For the rest of this story, you’ll have to scoot over here a little closer.
Closer still. As if I’m your mother on her deathbed about to whisper my parting words of wisdom. Yes, it’s that important.
Okay. That’s good. Now, listen up:
No one ever waited for an envelope to arrive in the mail. No long-distance lover. No warrior’s child. No one.
What we wait for is the letter. Not the envelope.
As I looked upon Tiki’s motionless blonde fur; her barrel-chested body that once bounded through high chaparral in search of rabbits; as I looked at her sweet face that never growled at the hi-jinks of our two-year-old grandson or winced at the pain I know she’d suffered most recently–what I understood, and internalized for the first time, was that our bodies are the envelope, not the letter. What made Tiki who she was, a sweet-natured, strong-willed, immensely loving, loyal and constant companion was NOT her body, the envelope, but rather what was inside the envelope. Her spirit…the letter.
You. Yes, YOU. The person sitting right next to me. You are not your Louis Vitton purse, your Brooks Brothers suit, your BMW, your tinted mascara, your low lights, your perfectly sculpted abs or your bulging pecs. That’s all envelope. Okay, so maybe your envelope is velum, or embossed or made of artisan handmade paper. Or maybe it got lost in the mail and your envelope is crumpled and stained around the edges. I don’t know and I don’t care. What the people who know you love, what they enjoy, what they crave, what they will miss when you are gone is the letter. The contents. The meaning. The spirit. The YOU.
I had a lab named Lucky :/ They are amazing dogs
HI Amy Jen’s mom here. This is so beautiful and touched my heart so much. One of our beloved family dogs belonging to our kids Jeff and Jenn and grandson Brent had to be put down yesterday due to cancer and it is heartbreaking. Thank you for sharing.
Amy,
Thank you for your beautiful story. When my husband left me and I felt I could not get out of bed, my dog Sarah ran up the stairs to my bedroom, placed her face against my cheek and softly exhaled. She walked the perimeter of my room, went to the door, and then stopped and looked back at me. I got up and started over because somebody (dear wonderful Sarah) showed me that she cared about me.
I think your Tiki, Sarah and the horse in your story are kindred spirits.
Bless you.
Sincerely,
Jean
Amy,
Tiki’s eyes are so beautiful and kind. I set her image as my computer desktop background.
Tiki will live on in your heart and in your writing.
Jean
Thank you for sharing…we laid our beloved Thor to rest 7-29 of this year. I so want to write an end to his story but still can’t get past the tears.
You are a very wise woman with a gift for eloquent writing. Thank you for sharing. I have many “letters” that I miss very much and yet, I sense that at times, they are still around me.
So moving & heart breaking!
THANK YOU FOR SHARING!!!YES ,TIKI WILL BE IN YOU HEARD FOREVER!!!
We let our lovely Sheltie go just 24 hours ago. I was reading your post and just bust out crying (again….) at your description of the first needle “not too late”…. I was in that exact place and the eyes… I came home in a stupor, and today was the worst day ever. I miss Max’s spirit and his envelope. I keep expecting him to come around the corner… he used to follow me around all day long. He was my baby-who-never-grew-up, but unfortunately, he did grow old… Yesterday, his last day on earth, we loved him something fierce—let him sit outside in the sun, made him a steak on the grill, gave him treat after treat, let him lay with us on the bed… I hope those last memories of love stayed with him on his next journey. I miss him so much.
Thank you for sharing your story…
A beautiful touching story. My heart goes out to you.
My life is marked by the number of animal friends I have had to let go and yet, every day I remember the uniqueness of each as if they have never left me at all.
I lost my dog to cancer last week and this article really hit home. My boy was 13 as well and died of cancer that was in his throat. My husband is a pilot and was gone for the weekend when things went bad. I kept praying (not religious either) that my sweet Biko would make it until his Daddy got home so he could say goodbye. He died 2 hours before my husband made it home. It tears my heart out every time I think about it.
I also often forget he’s gone. It is hardest coming home without him here to show me how excited he is to see me. I still look at his empty food bowls and think I need to fill them. I’ll look at the time and think he’ll need his walk soon. When I roll over in bed I lift my legs to make sure I’m not going to kick him. Damn this is hard. But, I feel lucky to have had his love and had the chance to love him back.
Ariana,
Thoughts, prayers and hugs to you.
Take care,
Jean
Amy… thank you for your beautiful words. They touched my soul.
Gx
Beautifully said. I hope you have wonderful memories of your time together. She was well loved and happy, the most we can offer any four legged soul in our care. Job well done mum : )
Your story is so similar to ours. Apollo was 9 years old when he was diagnosed with bladder cancer. He was my husband’s constant companion. He loved life. We often joked that he was the neighborhood dog. All the neighbors know him and loved him. I had just come home from the hospital when it was time for Apollo to make his last trip to the vet. My husband brought him in to our bedroom where I was resting for me to say good-bye. Then my kids made their very tearful good-byes. My husband said Apollo was too weak to go for a walk or do anything fun, so he stopped at McDonald’s to give him one last treat. Apollo was never allowed people food because it made him sick, but that didn’t stop him from trying. So he ate part of a double cheeseburger with my husband. My husband described his leaving much like you did. But Apollo taught us something different. You see, his death helped us deal with the death of both of my husband’s parents. We had never had someone close to us die before. Apollo taught us how to deal with the death of a loved one. Thank you for your story.
in love with this post. i can only imagine the grief you’ve experienced. sending you love!
[…] The nice thing about Facebook is that you can find a lot of good links to articles, blogs, pictures, and the like that make you think about life in new or different ways. Recently a friend in Texas shared a blog she stumbled upon called “The Manifest-Station”. One of their writers, Amy Roost, wrote a post titled “What My Dog’s Death Taught Me.“ […]
My Piper’s death taught me this: Loneliness, sadness and heartache. I lost the best friend I ever had. I mourn him every day and it has been three very long very sad years…..
Omg, I need to have my 17 year old Golden Retriever put down and I just can’t, I just can’t. As it is I am so alone, I just can’t loose my Daisy. I just can’t…
I MISS MY LETTER!
This was a tough one to read. I’m bawling right now … on Christmas Eve morning, I let my little 11 year old shih tzu, Mitzi, go (she hhad cancer, too. It’s now early February and I still cry daily, and that’s okay. She was almost more than a child to me (don’t judge! I love my adult daughter!!) because we were together 24/7. I now have a little 1-2 year old mutt who has been abandoned 3 times. She was perfectly named Coconut (I’m a coconut oil fanatic) when we rescued each other two weeks ago after her last “humom” (my s.o.’s ex) died unexpectedly of a heart attack, but I call her CocoMutt cause I’m not sure which 2 or 3 breeds she is. She’s my new shadow, but I feel it may be too soon for me to bond with her as much as she’s bonded with me. And that’s okay, too. I’m sure Mitzi knows how much I’m hurting and had a paw
I MISS MY LETTER!
This was a tough one to read. I’m bawling right now … on Christmas Eve morning, I let my little 11 year old shih tzu, Mitzi, go (she hhad cancer, too. It’s now early February and I still cry daily, and that’s okay. She was almost more than a child to me (don’t judge! I love my adult daughter!!) because we were together 24/7. I now have a little 1-2 year old mutt who has been abandoned 3 times. She was perfectly named Coconut (I’m a coconut oil fanatic) when we rescued each other two weeks ago after her last “humom” (my s.o.’s ex) died unexpectedly of a heart attack, but I call her CocoMutt cause I’m not sure which 2 or 3 breeds she is. She’s my new shadow, but I feel it may be too soon for me to bond with her as much as she’s bonded with me. And that’s okay, too. I’m sure Mitzi knows how much I’m hurting and had a paw
My lab, Mell, is almost 10 years old. I don’t know if I’ll be strong enough if this time come to us. I feel your pain. But thanks for sharing this important thing You discovered…
I am so sorry for your loss of Tiki. Four weeks ago we had to put our Golden down. He never showed the pain he must have been suffering, not until the last few hours, and even then he would have good moments. Loosing him has been very hard on our family. We miss him terribly.
Not that I was ever one to care about petty things, but after he passed, everything seemed so. I remember watching a show about house hunters & renovations & I thought, “none of this matters!! This doesn’t make us!”
What my dog taught me is to love as much as you can, don’t take time & love for granted. I’ve always been a happy person & enjoy the little things, but reminded me of it every day.
He makes me want to be better.
I miss his loving eyes, his hot smelly breath, his nails clicking the floor & our hikes.
I knew that I was going to cry before the first word, but I was sobbing and trying to stop the tears, which was futile. What an absolute beautiful window into your journey with Tiki. You are so right and as a Breast Cancer survivor who often wonders who will remember me when I’m gone – I pray that someone ‘read’ the letter of me, not just looked at the envelope! God Bless you…now to reapply my makeup. 🙂
Dear Amy,
(as well as all comment readers too lol),
I was Google searching for how to properly word, in order to manifest; my dogs suffering to stop. This site link/your article was within the first few search results.
I am either stoic or joking almost always. This situation has provoke emotions in me that I identify and understand in others, but I don’t want to understand/process them in myself (bc to be quit honest; these feelings/emotions are just bullshit) – I don’t like irrational/uncontrollable despondency whatsoever, feeling more melancholy than Eeyore, is simply NOT my jam nor will it ever be. That being said, you definitely got me with this article lady. As soon as I got to the vet visit, I was literally hyperventilating as I was reading and seeing my dog out of the corner of my eye (definitely wishing I had a ‘peripheral vision off switch’ in the moment). By time you got Tiki to lay down with you the final time, I was doing the good ole’ silent sob (where the tears are doing a constant downpouring out, but you can still see bc all the dramatics aren’t present, other than the tear monsoon I mean). I had to do some sort of ‘MacGyver-like-DIY/made up on the fly’ breathing technique(s) myself to continue reading. Lucky for me, my own mother has never been a mother, she’s just not a good human at all whatsoever; point is, when you gave the “mother on the death bed” reference, it was exactly what I needed to drought out my monsoon tears (as the, off the cuff deep breathing control attempts, simply did not suffice on its own).
Not only do I understand it completely; but I also respect, appreciate and rather enjoyed your letter/envelope analogy sentiment. I’m not religious in the way I was brought up, (if I’m being honest, I’d be more likely to cuss at the big G man before I would pray to him these days) – here’s the thing for me though, that is my issue. I’ve had my dog my entire adulthood almost. She’s the only source of unconditional love I’ve literally ever gotten and I’m being totally honest not dramatic whatsoever when I say that. It’s been Loka and I since I adopted her/she rescued me in December of 2008 (she was 4 months shy of 3 years old and I had just turned 20 years old about 2 weeks prior to meeting her at the Delaware humane society). We have moved across the country and back together, we’ve been homeless living out of the car together more than once, and only 2 times in all these years, was I apart from her for longer than a single 0 day.
She’s all I have.
Shes older than Albus Dumbledore, in dog years at least, as she turned 17 years old in March. She’s a unicorn/one percenter being a 60-70lb dog that’s 17 ½ years old. The universe kept her going because I had given up and I was waiting for her to go so I could go with her. I had to find my way to my purpose before she could go because she had been my only purpose to continue on, despite the fact I had given up, for several years up until the beginning of 2022.
I couldn’t bring myself to take her with me, because of the promise I made her when we became “official” as a pair. I promised her that she’d be with me, we’d stay together no matter what, until God parted us. I could do it to myself, be permanently merciful in that way but I can’t be the one to take her out because I promised her otherwise. I can’t take her in somewhere and not walk out with her with me.
I had finally came around to possibly being able to do the in home euthanasia last fall, because she is animal aggressive and gets very uncomfortable with the unfamiliar smell overload at any and all vets, she literally gets between my legs and turns stuck-statue anywhere vet-like/too animal frequented. The problem with this is, it’s the only way I can bring myself to even try to do it, but it’s almost $600 for both the in home euthanasia plus her cremation and we were just homeless around her birthday. I’ve been struggling for employment because I can’t find anywhere that either allows me to get health coverage through work or stay under the monthly income cap for Medicaid, I’m totally useless if I don’t have health insurance. I started training for serving/bartending again this month, just to have some income, but then Loka’s condition went from typical senior decline stuff to random scary stuff and I couldn’t control my anxiety thinking about her having some sort of scary episode and passing away feeling terrified and all alone so I couldn’t even finish training, therefore the in-home euthanasia just isn’t an option.
I’ve gotten a handle on what she was experiencing for the time being, but now I feel guilty/like a POS, for figuring out what was happening because I fully focused on just wanting to help her that’s all. But once I figured it out, which allowed me to take a break from days straight in ’emergency-response-mode’ mentality; I was smacked with the realization that, I didn’t help her at all because I only delayed the inevitable outcome. So, the suffering/scary stuff, will more than likely be back with a vengeance or something else will come in it’s place. If she were in a coma/vegetative state, I absolutely would implement the ‘letter removal from the useless envelope’ mindset/method, because I would want it done for me if I was in a vegetative state. But SHE’S STILL HER, ALIVE IN HER EYES at this moment in time. That’s why as awful and rough as it’s been this year, I can’t help but feel like, it’s a sign: me struggling with my employment situation is maybe the way it had to be because otherwise, once I would of made the amount, it costs to do the in-home euthanasia+cremation, I would of forced myself to do something that deep down, I don’t want it to me that has to do it. It’s shouldn’t be me. I need it not to be me. It’s not my job and I need to keep my promise to her.
I know what my purpose is, I’ve been working to get it implemented anywhere and every way possible. I started a YouTube channel to help people, I’m not an influencer or a brand. I don’t care if people agree with me or like me, I don’t need validation through likes, shares or co-signer’s. I have no intention of trying to make anyone feel/think/or choose anything one way over another, I just want to help people think freely for themselves, that’s my only intention. I came up with a program for all students in middle and high school; so NO KID GETS LEFT OUT because I love the idea of mentoring but detest the “fell through the cracks” sentiment emphatically. I’ve put it on YouTube to share it, so maybe someone in a position to try it out will see it (caring is sharing and it takes teamwork to make the dream work after all lol). I’ve contacted all my local districts to offer to volunteer to do it as pilot program trial basis, I mean it’s for free and there’s no way it won’t be beneficial to every kid at some point in someway. I believe in being proactive as much as possible, I came up with an easy efficient way to hopefully avoid tragedy like teen suicide/shootings/predatory victimization/etc. I can’t stand waiting for problems to happen, especially if there is a way to prevent the problems proactively, I can’t comprehend why it’s not done, that was the basis for my program idea. A way to make sure no kid gets left out or falls through the cracks and be able to help anyone who is already in need of help or help the kids help themselves by helping them be aware of certain things that they will almost absolutely positively encounter either directly or by proxy through a friend. I know it’s impossible to save everyone but by no means should that ever be a deterrent for trying to.
I am and have been making all the efforts I can come up with to prove to the universe that Loka doesn’t have to be forced to stay with me and suffer anymore. I know now that I’m not meant to go with her, I know that I have to stay and try to help society in all the ways I can. I don’t know adult life totally alone because I never had to be alone or lonely thanks to Loka. She got me through my battle with PTSD when no type treatment worked. She taught me what it was like to be more than an unwanted obligation, I wouldn’t know the feeling of unconditional love if it wasn’t for her. She’s absolutely my everything, my world. I tell her every day that it’s okay to leave me, I know I’m not meant to come with her yet. I assure her, that I know, I have to do everything I can, to at least try to leave this world headed in a different trajectory then the one it’s currently going in. I don’t want her to leave me but I can’t handle her suffering for loving me much more either. I just need the Universe to help me out here ASAP or God to do his job stat.
That’s why I wanted to properly word a suffering cease and desist manifestation for her. I need to keep my promise to her but I also need her to not suffer for loving me anymore. I need both of those things so I can continue on, trying to fulfill my purpose on my own.
I apologize for the story book length response. I am the definition of long-winded. But in all honesty, I noticed something that compelled me thoroughly break down my personal situation. I wasn’t even going to comment had I not noticed the posting date for your article. I have no idea what it means, maybe something I’ve explained may click to you or someone else. My birthday is actually 11/22. I believe in signs but not coincidences, at least not coincidences that involve people I should say. I feel like I might be missing something, as I only noticed the date as I was about to close out the page after I finished reading it.
I don’t want sympathy or empathy from anyone who may read my comment. I don’t want anyone feeling sorry for something they didn’t cause and aren’t involved in. I know that no decent person, wants someone else, to go through what I have/am dealing with. I just wanted to say thanks for the good cry and spot on perfect analogy. And if anyone sees what I’m somehow missing, please don’t hesitate to point it out to me if possible.
Thank you Amy! I’m immensely grateful for you sharing your own experience.