This is a very real subject for me. I grew up with a narcissist mother who made me feel like I was not enough, worse, that I would never be enough. My first marriage happened mainly because I was pregnant and ended because we never should have been married. I finally met someone, a man who was kind and honest and everything I needed.
We got married and soon after, I became aware that, like lots of men, he had watched some porn. But it was more than that, what he watched dominated what he wanted in the bedroom. This wonderful man who was great husband and provider outside of the bedroom, wanted me in 6 inch stripper heels and making up stories about me fucking other men in the bedroom. It was baffling. I went along.
I had been so screwed up that I actually thought it wasn’t a big deal at first. But then, it became every time. Every time. There were dildos, butt plugs, costumes, outrageous shoes purchased for me by him. He also took me on romantic vacations where outside the hotel, we were happy and normal. In the hotel, it was filthy town. I never said no. I thought I must have done something to make him think I wanted this. It had to be my fault. My fault.
I finally said I hated it and now I am in therapy learning lots about myself and why I let this continue for years. YEARS. I never thought I could just say no, because him wanting this made sense to me, because it was ingrained in me that I was not enough. That was the insecurity planted in me from a young age by my mother.
Instead of planting that poison I wish she had planted confidence. I wish someone had told me it was ok to be me, that I was enough. So this is what I want to say to you:
You have the right to say no. You have a voice. Fucking use it to say if you don’t like something. It doesn’t matter if you are on a first date, dating for 3 years or married for 10. If wearing a furry costume freaks you out, say no. If it’s 6 inch high heels on a nightly basis and you aren’t a stripper, say no. If you are a stripper and you don’t want to wear them, say no. If you don’t like dirty talk, say no. If you don’t want anal, say no. If you like it once, you don’t have to do it every time. Say no.
Don’t start mirroring what your partner wants in bed if you don’t like it. Don’t start initiating that kind of sex if it makes you uncomfortable just because you know it’ll make them happy. That’s confusing because then they think you like it. Dropping hints about not really liking something isn’t going to work and isn’t going to stop unless you say “I HATE this!!!” They may leave you. Fuck that. They may blame you by saying I thought you wanted it. That’s because you mirrored the behavior to make them happy. Talk it through, see what happens.
When you go to the bathroom after sex and start crying, you aren’t getting love from this. One time you may like to dress up or play out a fantasy but you don’t have to do it the next time. You are under no obligation to perform for your partner. Making love, having sex, fucking, is a joint endeavor. It isn’t about one person. If you have to close your eyes and think of something else or someone else every time to have an orgasm, you have a problem in your relationship.
You can enjoy sex. You should enjoy sex. That doesn’t mean you are a slut. If your partner knows what he is doing, you will enjoy sex. You will enjoy it a lot if he listens to you and wants to please you…YOU…it’s not about him getting his fantasy porn sequence played out 3 times a week for 6 years and you learning to hate yourself. Don’t be slut shamed into thinking if you enjoy having an orgasm, then you should be called names. You should be having orgasms. If he is, well so should you. You are enough. Love yourself enough first. Love yourself enough to say no when you need to.