If I can’t even decide what to order in a restaurant, then, My God, how am I supposed to make a decision like: Do I want to have a baby? Or, do I want to write a memoir or a “How To” book or should I do another retreat to Italy again or go to Aruba? Should I have coffee or tea?
I am in a restaurant having dinner. Waiter comes over. Me: Which is better, the cedar plank salmon or the lobster baked potato or the gluten free crust pizza?
Waiter: Ah, all so different. Wow, that’s hard. How about the pizza?
Me: I don’t know… Do I even want pizza? Is the salmon really good?
Waiter: Really good.
Me: Ok, I’ll have the potato and a cabernet.
Waiter says ok and walks away.
I get up and run after him and change it to the pizza.
Some events and details have been changed to protect the innocent but the point is, I have trouble making up my mind.
I always want someone to make my mind up for me.
This morning I taught a class which felt really off, like I entered the Twilight Zone and someone forgot to tell me. I walked in at 7 am to start and there were 4 people (they are usually 15-20. More came in late but at start time there were 4.) 4 people and they were each in a corner of the room. It felt like a message but I wasn’t sure what the message was except this is awkward.
The energy felt stuck and low like it had gotten trapped on something and gave up the fight and stayed there. I tried to bring it back up to sea-level, or at least I think I tried. It didn’t work. It was drowned.
Class ended and one my sweet regulars said that she had felt like she was in the wrong class that morning. That it didn’t feel like my class.
Aha! So it wasn’t just me being sensitive as I have been all week. There was a marked difference in the air.
I talked my friend Frank Gjata on the phone when I got home. I told him how my 7 am class is the least “Jen” class I teach.
I told him that I think about dropping it a lot. Not to mention getting up early is not on my joy list. But I feel like I can’t drop it. I mustn’t. How could I? How dare I? Who was I to turn down work? And I “needed” it.
He suggested I give the class up. Drop it, he said.
That’s all he had to say for me to say: Okay, I will drop it! You’re right!
Why do I wait for someone to tell me what to do? To tell me it is okay? The right choice? To decide for me?
I didn’t realize that I did this until I said it out loud this morning on the phone to him.
He said something brilliant.
He asked me what brings Jen out the most? That is what I needed to be focusing on.
I think sometimes I am scared to make up my mind because I don’t trust myself to make the right choice. Someone else’s decision will validate mine. What if I chose wrong?
So I chose wrong? There is no wrong, really. The pizza isn”t wrong. Keeping my 7 am class isn’t wrong nor is dropping it.
There is only what makes me more right, more Jen.
I am taking back my life, and claiming my power over it.
As I look back on areas of my life I can see where I stopped depending on my own knowing and inner compass and started to look desperately outside of myself for any sight of land so a wave wouldn’t swallow me up out there in the ocean.
Asking for help is okay. Not trusting your own judgement, your own instincts, your own love letters to yourself, now that’s a shame.
As things expand and heat up in my life, as they are at such a level I sometimes feel as if I am in a pressure cooker, I realize that there are more choices to be made.
The more choices I have to make, the more in control I am, the more powerful. Powerful in my own life.
And therein lies the rub. That is the great fear.
Having such power in my own life, having such control over what course I steer my boat. I want it so bad I can taste the saltwater on my tongue and yet I am terrified because I forgot my life jacket.
I will go out without a life jacket and learn to swim.
I will focus on things that make me the most me. That bring out the best of me. That make me better than I was yesterday. That allow me to shine.
Pizza or salmon?