I write and I write and I will keep writing and the reason why?
I love emails like this. This was sent after reading last night’s essay called Light Sender.
This morning felt wrong. I realized that if I let myself, I could really sink down, down, down into sadness and loneliness.
Almost every night I get a twinge of it, and I shake myself. I kiss Mattie (my son) or I lay down with him and I ignore the inclination to dive headfirst into the pit of negative emotions I’ve got swirling around. It’s exhausting to keep myself above it.
This morning I almost had to pull the car over, the sadness gripping me like a band constricting around my chest.
I am torn. I think…I think if I didn’t have Mattie, I’d be in it. I’d float in it and write about it. But I can’t allow that. The writer in me craves it, though. I always write best when I’m feeling a terrible emotion, or a blissful one. I can’t seem to feel the happiness any more, and so the sadness is calling me home. But I don’t go, because I have a son who needs a mother who can show him how to be happy and healthy. And so I’ve been teetering on the edge of this, balancing myself between duty and misery.
Enter Jen Pastiloff, the magnificent writer Yogi who has been showing me the way out of this. I’ve been following you on Facebook, reading the blog posts that you share, and absorbing every one of them. This morning though I was dangerously close to collapsing in on myself, and I read what you posted today about light, and about darkness. You even posted it with an excerpt from Mary Oliver, who is my favorite poet.
Well today you wrote, “The chains I dragged around were heavy and unwieldy by I managed them because to let go would mean I would have to face the fact that there was indeed a light inside of me…” and I was floored. I mean, bowled over. I think it’s the first time I’ve realized that maybe I’m afraid of happiness. Afraid of losing it, and afraid of beings someone other than who I am right now.
I wanted to thank you for your words today. It isn’t better, or fixed, but it’s a beginning. A way out.
Aleister Crowley said that “the breaks manifest light.” Well, I’ve been broken, and just barely holding myself together. Maybe what I need is to let the light shine through those cracks and cast off this old way of being – so sad, so tired, so alone. Thank you for writing so openly and honestly, and thank you for inspiring me to move beyond coping with depression and find a way to actually deal with it. Heal it. Thank you.
Keep going Light Senders. Keep going. Keep shining. I am here. I got you. Lauren and all the other Tribe members out there, I got you.
Dear Lauren – all of us who’ve experienced this know the supreme value of connecting & being heard & hearing, Me Too! Isn’t it nice to know it’s definitely going to okay. That just by reaching for the light it begins flowing to you?
You’ve found a good place now. Plenty if love, understanding & encouragement! to you!
It is wonderful to hear someone read our writing and look towards finding light and sunshine in their life where there is darkness. I can tell you that it works. I had a period of darkness an also kept it going because of my two precious daughters that needed me. The light did come even though at the time it felt like it was not possible.
The first step is the path. Blessings to you Lauren.
i’m right with Lauren- you are a guiding force in my life- thank you for your bravery – the other night at the Golden Globes the director of the movie Brave, Mark Anderson , said ” being brave is about being true to yourself and allowing those you love the same freedom ” , this sums it up for me, what you do, who you are- thank you for all that you share from the depth of you, all your beautiful nakedness , stripped of artifice, or glam, just painfully and gracefully honest and inspiring-
I don’t know how I got here, (well, I ‘know’ – but can’t remember the exact path) but I’m here because it was necessary for me to read Lauren’s words. Thank you for sharing her letter! I feel that same fear of happiness. A fear that is as great as is the longing for it. And I did not realize the fear existed till I read the quote from you that Lauren shared. Can I break the created habit of pain, loss, fear, and sorrow? Can I let go of all the chains, and be free, be happy? Am I ready to change my whole identity by doing so? Am I willing to stop being who I was, to become who I can be? So many times I lamented over closed doors. How many times were they closed, simply because I refused to open them? Thank you for this shaft of light shining on some truths I needed to see and hear. God is always faithful in answering our prayers for guidance and help, for information and instruction and direction. He answered mine, through you.