Sometimes a situation truly and honestly sucks and sometimes the worst thing you could ever imagine happening to you, happens to you. It doesn’t mean every moment of it isn’t beautiful. Take losing your mother, for instance. And not just her actual death, but the process of losing her both quickly and slowly at the same time.
Words like ‘manipulation’ and ‘discipline’ flash across my mind (residue from my spare-the-rod-spoil-the-child upbringing). I’m triggered by her anxious questions: what is love what is want what is care? She’s silent when I say, “I love you.” (But at least she doesn’t reply, “I don’t love you!” like years past.)
My weight fluctuates a lot— I’d say I gain and lose between 20 and 30 lbs. every year. I think there is a story my body is trying to tell. I think perhaps my body is storing too much pain at times.
We never could have known when she was born that she would only be staying with us for such a short while. Just long enough to light beside us, gently flap her delicate wings, and send the reverberations of love into our hearts to guide our lives.
I am the most me I can be and no matter what happens to me I know it is not because I am being “punished” or if I promise to be “good” then things will change. Karma just doesn’t work that fast.
"Because I got what I wanted, and it wasn't enough. And when I looked back on my life, and thought of all the times I said, if only I could get this, it'd be enough, I realized that it was never enough. And I realized that the part of the human mind that wants never stops its wanting."
