by E.E. Sneed
Welcome to Mel’s Declassified College Survival Guide! Here you will learn tips and tricks to
surviving college so you won’t be forced to drop out and be shunned by society.
Tip #1: Beware of the Socratic Junkie Wannabe
Congratulations! You made it out of bed to go to your first class! You see a beautiful man and
you are unsure of what to do. Sit next to that beautiful person. Why? Because he won’t sit next
you. You are a freshman and no one “chooses” to sit next to you. It doesn’t matter how hot you
think you are. You are a wide-eyed newbie thrown into the jungle of savages ready to tear you
apart. Don’t worry, that beautiful person will end up talking to you eventually and you two will
become close until you realize he’s a crazed junkie.
Tip #2: Google Maps is Your Friend
It’s time for the second class and you have no idea where that building is. Luckily for you, two
Danish brothers created Google Maps so you can input your walking destination with ease. Just
make sure your volume is off or else everyone will know you’re using a GPS to get around
campus.
Tip #3: Don’t Be A Sheep
Oh no. The sororities are coming around. Will you become radicalized or join Greek life? A
hipster or a sheep? The benefits to being a hipster is that you won’t succumb to the hive mind
mentality. There are plenty of clubs to join that cater to your interests. If you’re feeling spooky,
you can join the Occult Club or if you wish to expand your horizon on a variety of cultures, you
could join a culture club of a region of your interest. But if you do pick a sorority, for initiation,
will you choose cocaine or dildo?
Tip #4: It’s Okay to Be Unsure
Another important choice has entered and it’s whether to change your major or not. Everyone
usually ends up changing their major once or twice during their time at college and if anyone
puts you down for that, then they can suck a dick!
Tip #5: Image is Everything
You have made it to your sophmore year and you’re feeling pretty solid about college, but you
feel like you need to amp up your look. A cool, fake leather jacket will do the trick along with
dying your hair an unnatural color. A cool, fake leather jacket will give off the aura that you’re
tough and no one can stand in your way, even though you still barely know your way around
campus. Dying your hair will make you a landmark of the college campus, especially if you keep
that color for years. But what is the meaning of hair color?
- Red: Dye your hair red if you want to say, “I want to acquire a stable job when I leave college, but I also want to be expressive and have a good time while plotting the downfall of my enemies”.
- Dark Blue: Dye your hair dark blue if you want that superheroine comic book vibe, while also giving off the illusion that it might be black to future employers.
- Forest Green: Dye your hair forest green if you have hazel eyes so you can look like you’re one with nature and you tried being vegan for a week.
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Pixie Purple/Pink: Dye your hair purple or pink if you want people to think you’re into cosplay and anime while also being down to buy seven vapes.
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Pastel: Dye your hair pastel colors if you’re too lazy to keep up with bright dye coloring.
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Black: Dye your hair black if you’re dead inside and you just want it to fade to
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brown, showing you’re non-committal.
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Auburn Orange: Dye your hair auburn if you want to match with your skinny pumpkin spice chai latte (no foam!).
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BBB (Basic Bitch Blonde): Dye your hair BBB if you get frappuccinos from Starbucks every other day while wearing your favorite pair of UGGS.
Just dye your hair.
Tip #6: Show Off Them Titties
Adding to the rule of image being everything, buy clothes that make your tits look even bigger. Everyone loves big titties.
Tip #7: Remember That Every Stable Man is Taken
Now that you’re a junior, your confidence radiates around the room. Now the cute boys choose to sit next to you… Oh… They all have girlfriends…
Tip #8: Acquire An On Campus Job
Next step is to acquire an on campus job. Sure the pay is shit, but employers will like that you’re taking more initiative to help your campus grow and you will meet friends that will last a lifetime. Also be sure to fall for every twiggy man that gets hired. It makes the job fun.
Tip #9: Don’t Fall For The Man In Love With A Married Woman
People say that academics are the hardest. But it isn’t. It’s everything that goes on in the background. How were you supposed to foresee that your first love will leave you for a married woman? You tried so hard to show that you loved him but he couldn’t do the same. It wasn’t enough. Everyone was better. At one of his parties, the man in the corner knew that, but he couldn’t speak without fear of embarrassing himself. Go talk to him. Maybe he’s worth it.
Tip #10: Life Is Full of Plot Twists
He wasn’t worth it. As per usual, you try everything you can to show your love, but the fear of commitment is too great within the male college population.
Tip #11: He’ll Have The Name of Someone You’ll Love
You can’t fall for someone that has a girlfriend. That’s awful. That will automatically make you a “homewrecker”. Don’t let it tempt you no matter how much he looks at you with great admiration and is there for you no matter what. You’re not the one for him.
Just forget about it.
Tip #12: Meet The Younger Version of Yourself
In this midst of feeling more alone than ever before, you meet him. A man more beautiful than he will ever know. He’s the same Zodiac sign as you and your Chinese Zodiacs say you two are soulmates, though some people say that’s bullshit. The only problem is that you’re a senior and he, the “Young Boi”, is a freshman. 4 years isn’t that big of a deal, but social norms have taught us that it’s only socially acceptable for the male to be older, mostly because the male’s maturity level is stunted until they’re 25. Though, that’s because since the dawn of time men have been coddled.
Tip #13: Every Emotion Is Like A Taste In Your Mouth That Will Give You A Sense of Pleasure, Except For Betrayal, That Has The Taste of The Char On A Piece of Burnt Meat
But as you are a senior, people start to grow and some start to shrink. The people you hold close to you will betray you for their own peace of mind and only those close to you will show their loyalty in your most desperate times. Strap on your heeled Timberlands because the tea is boiling.
Tip #14: Smile When He Speaks
It’s funny how you see people try to come back into your life after so much damage, but you have the barriers made to not get hurt again. You made the “Young Boi” promise that no matter how difficult things get, you both will work through it. The time came where you two got into a discourse and you thought it was all over like before. It was devastating. But when your love tells you, “I promised I wouldn’t leave you.” It brings tears to your eyes.
Tip #15: Embrace The Day Like Night
Answers seems simple, but often times they cause more questions. You believed that you will do anything for your career and you still do. You want it all. But the most important thing you want is him. The “Young Boi” with hazel eyes, a Roman nose, and runs like a lanky Gazelle across the street with his tiny scarf wrapped around his pencil neck. Always ready to make you laugh on your saddest days. You want him to not be in pain anymore. You want him. But he doesn’t want you…
Tip #16: Don’t Rely On Him Too Much
Somehow the man in the corner that was at the parties keeps coming back to you, despite things not working out previously. It seems that men find it thrilling to chase after a woman, rather than cherish her once he has her. I mean, you already broke up with him twice. But at least he’s there for you during all the tough times.
Tip #17: Get That Bread
A key to applying to jobs is to remember that not everyone will meet the requirements. As my uncle, who’s a Vice President of Wells Fargo, would say, it’s their job to teach you the ropes to an entry level job.
Tip #18: Listen to Your French European Friend
Your friends worry that you’re going for the “Young Boi” too hard and that you’re setting yourself for disappointment. They question why you feel so strongly for him and you can’t explain the feeling of the universe pulling you closer to him. You feel like you’re on drugs when you speak to him, despite never even doing such things before. But your French European trusts
in you to make the right choice.
Tip #19: Always Sit Next To Him
He is a freshman and he is timid. You know that feeling, remember? Even if he’s hesitant. You have spent years to be as confident as you are now and now you will show him the ropes. After all, you see yourself in that “Young Boi”. Even when the “Young Boi” makes mistakes, you forgive him because of his exquisite beauty.
Tip #20: Don’t Whine About Other People’s Happiness
It’s that time of year where it’s Valentine’s Day. Of course, the “Young Boi”, as young as he is, complains about how dumb this holiday is. You, having been cheated on right before your eyes on your first Valentine’s Day, are not bitter about this holiday. You say to him, “Let people be happy. Happiness is so futile and only lasts so long. So let them have them be happy. It’s not hurting you”. He ponders it. But not for long.
Tip #21: You Can Not Make Him Love You
You thought if you gave him everything his little heart desired he would. Patience. Comfort. Companionship. But none of it moved him.
Tip #22: Ask Questions
What do you want from me? Why do you run from me? Why aren’t you wondering? When will you know? Why are you scared of me? Why don’t you care for me? He will never know when to come around.
Tip #23: It’s Okay To Fall Apart
Life is full of unexpected events. Maybe you will lose a family member or a friend. Or both. It’s normal to not be 100% all the time. It’s okay to cry. You have people that support you, even if it might be one person. Think of that one person. How much they mean to you and hold them close. The “Young Boi” won’t understand.
Tip #24: You Will Be Okay
Now it’s time to graduate. Perhaps you still feel lost that you still don’t have a job lined up, but at least you’re not taking an extra year to change your entire major to focus on your “rap career”. Once you go up on that stage the “Young Boi” will realize, only in that moment of you walking up to receive your diploma, just how much he’ll miss you.
E.E. Snead (Elle Snead) is the author of The Empress of Fay: Mask of Shadows and is also a writer for the app Tales where you can read her interactive drama, Cupid’s Chokehold. She currently lives in Doylestown, Pennsylvania and is a graduate of Indiana University of PA 2019.
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Megan Galbraith is a writer we keep our eye on, in part because she does amazing work with found objects, and in part because she is fearless in her writing. Her debut memoir-in-essays, The Guild of the Infant Saviour: An Adopted Child’s Memory Book , is everything we hoped for from this creative artist. Born in a charity hospital in Hell’s Kitchen four years before Governor Rockefeller legalized abortion in New York. Galbraith’s birth mother was sent away to The Guild of the Infant Saviour––a Catholic home for unwed mothers in Manhattan––to give birth in secret. On the eve of becoming a mother herself, Galbraith began a search for the truth about her past, which led to a realization of her two identities and three mothers.
This is a remarkable book. The writing is steller, the visual art is effective, and the story itself is important.
Pick up a copy at Bookshop.org or Amazon and let us know what you think!
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Anti-racist resources, because silence is not an option
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