cw: self-harm
Economics is simple. It is straightforward. Logical. It calms me for this reason. There is little space for error when I am doing the math: I derive points on graphs to find the optimal bundle[1]. I solve systems of equations to find the market equilibrium[2]. Over and over like a meditation, until the cogs and wheels in my head slow to a stop (think: raising inflation rates to cool down an economy).
As I do this math I work under the assumption that consumers and firms are rational. This makes sense. People want to take actions that benefit them versus actions that can harm them.
I’ve had a different experience than what classical economics stipulates.
Some weeks ago, I was in an Uber at two in the morning, going back home after spending part of the night somewhere that I shouldn’t. I was in the backseat feeling the skin of my legs freezing against cold leather. The radio was on and I shifted my attention to the voice coming from it. It discussed how sleeping on your left side causes lower sleep quality because more pressure is being put on the heart[3].
I am unsure if this is true or not. But when I sleep on my left-side, curled like a fetus, I get bad dreams.
When I got home after the Uber ride, I slept in that position anyway. I instigated the nightmares that followed. Was that good for me?
Even if it was not, it is particularly hard for me to accept when I am doing something that is harmful. There is a vulnerability in looking in the mirror and saying, “I’m sorry”. I have to hold the ugly parts of myself right to my nose, so my eyes have no choice but to see. I cannot do it. This is a vulnerability I cannot face.
But if apologizing is difficult, forgiveness is even harder. It requires a summit over a mountain of acceptance. A mountain I cannot scale. A mountain whose heights I cannot conquer. I am stuck at its base, camped at its foot.
When I was fifteen, I cut into my skin for the first time.
She screamed at her mother, and her mother screamed back. How could she not understand? How could she not listen? Her mother told her that she was the one in control, that she was only fifteen.
I cut myself to spite her. Then I continued to do it anytime someone was nasty to me. You think you can hurt me?
Watch how she hurts herself worse.
I took the exacto knife to my thighs, my wrists, as I sat on the cold tiles of my bathroom floor. Beneath the scalding white lights, I took the knife in my hand and in swift, calculated motions, I cut. I didn’t blink. Didn’t shy away from the way the blood rose in bubbles from the lines, rising and rising. I watched and watched.
Warmth spread through me, mending, as I bled. Is that rational? I tried to kill myself a year later. Was that rational?
For these things, I have never apologized.
I crave them instead. I light candles and will whatever possessed me to act that way, to come back to me. That wild, insatiable need to destroy. I try to coax the irrationality out of me when I am angry. When I am sad. Make me do something crazy.
But with age comes maturity (the way bonds mature over time), and the rage does not guide my hand anymore. It does not lead me back to that bathroom, even if the phantom of it creeps behind me. Even if its translucent hands reach my neck and shoulders, pulling me into a sick hug. Even if it creeps in the dark shadows I see out the corner of my eyes. Even when it creeps to me in a dream, when I bare my neck to it and ask it to do something that will finally kill me, it does not possess me.
I know these three things (left-side sleeping, cutting, suicide) might seem disconnected to you.
To me, they lie on the same line– the same utility curve[4].
Here, are three instances of irrationality, that when consumed in quantities Q, can bring U amount of pleasure. Instances that I try to avoid. Instances that can be, should be, traded off for the rational. So I turn my attention to something else to avoid the consumption of this harm.
To economics, the silencer of my thoughts.
I go to those graphs and equations and theories to save myself. I go to the Phillips curve, to the analysis of inflation rates, to the graphs showing aggregate demand and aggregate supply, to avoid myself. To keep me from running straight into the arms of that phantom. Economics is the hand and string bringing down my balloon, keeping me from flying straight into a dark sky.
I ask the numbers to never forsake me. I ask the calculations tokeep me safe. For the sake of the people that love me. Never for myself.
[1] The maximum utility of a good is where the indifference curve is tangent to the budget constraint. To find this point, derive the utility function to calculate the marginal utilities, and then set the marginal rate of substitution equal to the price ratio. Then, solve the system of equations to find the optimal quantities.
[2] To find the Market Equilibrium quantity and price of an externality, set the Marginal Private Benefit equal to the Marginal Private Cost and solve for Q*. Then, plug in Q* to the Marginal Private Cost to find the Market Equilibrium Price, P*.
[3] I found a study conducted in 2018 by Pan et al., which suggests that left-side sleeping causes the heart to shift and turn. In right side sleeping, they found that the heart was, “held in place by the thin layer of tissue between the lungs called the mediastinum.” (Healthline)
[4] “In economics, the utility function measures the satisfaction [utility] of a consumer as a function of the consumption of real goods, such as food or clothing. Utility function is widely used in rational choice theory to analyze human behavior.” (Investopedia) In this case, we are analyzing consumer satisfaction as a function of the consumption of self-harm.
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