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Thursday, November 7, 2024
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I Can Happily Remain Misunderstood

Things are better now, but it’s hard to erase the looks of hurt or anger I’ve at times seen on my kids. I imagine that for any mother, that is the worst feeling, to see your child sad, knowing that your actions caused it.  I could have told them many times, that it would be ok, we would be ok, that I knew what I was doing and why, but I felt that I needed to show them. I spoke very little, to avoid giving false promises, or saying something that would confuse them more.  I wanted them so badly to understand that the path our life was taking was our own. 

To understand what gets one to the place of considering divorce, so much has to happen, so much disillusionment, confusion, sadness, fear, my obvious thought is, if my kids must continue thinking that perhaps I was frivolous, that I was heartless, cold or selfish, if that means they are happy in a relationship, completely incapable of feeling the way that I did, I can happily remain misunderstood.

This comes from my own experience as a young Mother, in a marriage that I wanted to be different from what it was at the time. Entering a Marriage that soon turned into something that didn’t seem quite right, comes from a childhood filled with confusing, sometimes uncomfortable impressions, which ultimately led me to believe that my path in life needed to be somewhat lacking. I could not expect a conventional, easy, affluent or even loving relationship, since I felt as if those were things I had never experienced. 

For fear of deviating or putting emphasis on what does not matter, and without going as far as to say, nothing matters, since that is a completely different conversation.   I will briefly make it clear that I was raised by a very loving single Mother, who was at times not even single.  She did give me access to a very amazing group of people, my aunts, uncles and cousins. I was not deprived of love or caring or abundance, it just came from outside of my home for the most part, creating a feeling in me, that it was never quite mine.

Fast forward to my early 20’s, meeting the father of my kids, being drawn to him for reasons I am very much at peace with, as I believe my kids are exactly the kids I was meant to have. That, and the fact that he looked exactly like my uncle when my uncle was 25, who up until then, was the man I most admired in my life. I felt like that had to be a sign, it probably was, again, a path to my children. Being married to him turned into a place I did not want to be. In fairness, he probably felt the same. I soon realized our expectations were very different, coming from something ingrained in each of us by our cultures and upbringings, more than by our current personalities and who we appeared to be. The vision I had of Family, a marriage, a home, finances, were suddenly fading from my life in a way I did not think was even possible.  In the beginning, without realizing how badly my relationship was diminishing, I focused entirely on my Children. Ending my marriage was not a consideration then, as I’ve thought many times, “Nobody gets married thinking they’ll ever get divorced”.  I had four Beautiful Children and concentrated on giving them as good a childhood as I could, while making it seem to everyone around us that we were a happy family, until one day, one season, one string of days or months came to a culmination, and I was done. That was it, my relationship was over.  It was so out of me that even if I had wanted to try, it did not exist in me to know what steps to take to try.

I was sitting at my kitchen table, looking straight ahead into the backyard,  my eyes seeing the grass , the tree’s, the swing set, the treehouse, my brain,  not paying attention, my brain thinking, “ what now” ? Where would we go? How would I create a life for my kids outside of this? It must have been “pick up time” , “dinner time”, “karate time” ……one of the many times that fills the day, it was easy to stand up and do what I needed to do. My relationship with my husband was over, but this was my kids house, this was where their lives started every morning.  They were 3,5,7,& 9years old, I did not need to, nor could I move fast, at least not without a clear mind space and a plan. 

Two years went by, I had grown accustomed to doing most everything alone with my kids, I was not happy feeling alone, but I was happy with many parts of my life.  I felt like I was healthy, I liked the path my kids were taking, doing well in school, all four of them turning into very good athletes, amazing swimmers, and I was grateful for our community of friends. It was a nice life, I felt that I could not complain about being estranged from my husband, since everything else seemed so good.  Until, like that one day, when I realized my relationship was over, I once again felt a shift in me, where I could not go back. As much as I admired myself then, for keeping my family together, for protecting my kids, for all the good things I seemed to be doing, I felt the same amount of disdain for the position I had allowed myself to be put in.  I realized I was setting a flawed example for my kids of what a family is. I would not want my Daughters to be in a situation where they would forgo their own self-worth in order to keep peace in a home, any more than I would want my Son to think that he would ever be obligated to stay in a relationship void of anything except a mutual feeling of love for the children. Once I could no longer continue that life, I realized the only path I could take was to pay attention to myself, to value who I was as a person and change my focus in life.  

With that resolve, things changed quickly, opportunities and people entered my/our life and soon ,“Divorce” was discussed.  We told the kids together, at times, I wish I could forget that day, again I realize that is not a pleasant conversation for any parent, so I do not mean to separate myself or make it seem as if it were in any way harder for me than anyone else. In a way it was a bit of a “twilight” moment. My instinct told me the kids somehow expected it would happen, but I’ll stop there, I can’t speak for them. 

More time went by, all of us beginning to feel as if we were living in Limbo.  I moved as fast as I felt that I could, which seemed like walking on glue at times.  I knew it was hard for my kids and I did not know how to make it better, I kept my focus on our future.  

After a court settlement, it was determined that I could move to California with my children. At every moment of this process, I was aware that a move out of state for any child is hard, let alone in a divorce situation.  We did it.  I am so appreciative of my children and their willingness to respectfully move forward.

Years have gone by, and we are happy, yet I still think to myself, “I hope they are at peace”, Which brings me to wonder, Is it best to strike up a conversation, bringing up the past, risking a feeling of stagnation over something that can’t be changed anyway, in hopes of obtaining more clarity?  Or do we continue to live each day focused on the now? 

Perhaps it’s best to let it go.

***

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Patricia Worthen
Patricia Worthen
Patty Worthen, lives in San Diego California with her husband Shaun and their five kids, Patty is a freelance writer and a very enthusiastic Zumba Instructor.
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2 COMMENTS

  1. Beautiful essay, Patricia. I can relate to all of this when I think of my own divorce. Thank you for allowing us to feel connected in this difficult experience—that’s everything.

    • Thank You Andrea , your comment means so much to me. As I was going through it, it would have been nice to have reassurance that acknowledging and trusting the essence of my feelings was ok. I stumbled through it, but did manage to stay true to myself, if by reading this, someone’s path has a bit more clarity, I am happy. The fact that you were able to relate , to me, is Everything as well.

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