Owning It!, Self Image

I Can’t Decide What To Eat. Why Decision Making Is So Hard.

August 3, 2012

If I can’t even decide what to order in a restaurant, then, My God, how am I supposed to  make a decision like: Do I want to have a baby? Or, do I want to write a memoir or a “How To” book or should I do another retreat to Italy again or go to Aruba? Should I have coffee or tea?

I am in a restaurant having dinner. Waiter comes over. Me: Which is better, the cedar plank salmon or the lobster baked potato or the gluten free crust pizza?

Waiter: Ah, all so different. Wow, that’s hard. How about the pizza?

Me: I don’t know… Do I even want pizza? Is the salmon really good?

Waiter: Really good. 

Me: Ok, I’ll have the potato and a cabernet. 

Waiter says ok and walks away.

I get up and run after him and change it to the pizza.

Some events and details have been changed to protect the innocent but the point is, I have trouble making up my mind.

I always want someone to make my mind up for me.

This morning I taught a class which felt really off, like I entered the Twilight Zone and someone forgot to tell me. I walked in at 7 am to start and there were 4 people (they are usually 15-20. More came in late but at start time there were 4.) 4 people and they were each in a corner of the room. It felt like a message but I wasn’t sure what the message was except this is awkward. 

The energy felt stuck and low like it had gotten trapped on something and gave up the fight and stayed there. I tried to bring it back up to sea-level, or at least I think I tried. It didn’t work. It was drowned.

Class ended and one my sweet regulars said that she had felt like she was in the wrong class that morning. That it didn’t feel like my class.

Aha! So it wasn’t just me being sensitive as I have been all week. There was a marked difference in the air.

I talked my friend Frank Gjata on the phone when I got home. I told him how my 7 am class is the least “Jen” class I teach.

I told him that I think about dropping it a lot. Not to mention getting up early is not on my joy list. But I feel like I can’t drop it. I mustn’t. How could I? How dare I? Who was I to turn down work? And I “needed” it. 

He suggested I give the class up. Drop it, he said.

That’s all he had to say for me to say: Okay, I will drop it! You’re right!

Why do I wait for someone to tell me what to do? To tell me it is okay? The right choice? To decide for me?

I didn’t realize that I did this until I said it out loud this morning on the phone to him.

He said something brilliant.

He asked me what brings Jen out the most? That is what I needed to be focusing on.

I think sometimes I am scared to make up my mind because I don’t trust myself to make the right choice. Someone else’s decision will validate mine. What if I chose wrong?

So what!

So I chose wrong? There is no wrong, really. The pizza isn”t wrong. Keeping my 7 am class isn’t wrong nor is dropping it.

There is only what makes me more right, more Jen.

I am taking back my life, and claiming my power over it.

As I look back on areas of my life I can see where I stopped depending on my own knowing and inner compass and started to look desperately outside of myself for any sight of land so a wave wouldn’t swallow me up out there in the ocean.

Asking for help is okay. Not trusting your own judgement, your own instincts, your own love letters to yourself, now that’s a shame.

As things expand and heat up in my life, as they are at such a level I sometimes feel as if I am in a pressure cooker, I realize that there are more choices to be made.

The more choices I have to make, the more in control I am, the more powerful. Powerful in my own life.

And therein lies the rub. That is the great fear.

Having such power in my own life, having such control over what course I steer my boat. I want it so bad I can taste the saltwater on my tongue and yet I am terrified because I forgot my life jacket.

I will go out without a life jacket and learn to swim.

I will focus on things that make me the most me. That bring out the best of me. That make me better than I was yesterday. That allow me to shine.

Pizza or salmon?

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15 Comments

  • Reply Amy Esacove August 3, 2012 at 5:35 pm

    Im having salmon tonight, for realz, but dang that pizza looks gooood! Love you!

  • Reply Dottie Wagner August 3, 2012 at 5:48 pm

    What an amazing insight you had today! Life is just one big learning process, isn’t it? Seems like it never ends….

  • Reply Jennifer_Woods August 3, 2012 at 6:19 pm

    I have been so like that in my life! I still am, when I forget to be more decisive. It ate you’re not indecisive. Maybe you’re just a little too goo at looking at all the possible angles? 😉

    • Reply ManifestYogaJen August 3, 2012 at 6:19 pm

      ha jen jen. Too cute xx

    • Reply Jennifer_Woods August 3, 2012 at 6:20 pm

      Ugh! Too many typos. *maybe, *good. :-/

  • Reply bodykarmabella August 3, 2012 at 6:59 pm

    I *seriously* identified with this, as I do with almost every single piece you write. I feel we are truly kindred spirits. I was logging onto your blog to read my mom your last post, and saw this one, and read it and went “omg are we twins in different bodies…” just souls living very similar and yet very unique experiences!
    I am inspired by this, because I *SO* often need others to persuade me one way or another…though it seems to me like a sneak-attack of my subconscious…like neither they nor I know why I’m prodding the topic, but the truth is I am hoping someone will deliver an answer or decision swiftly and seamlessly so I won’t have to.
    I love the concept of, well, what if you make the wrong choice?

    SO. WHAT. So what!!! You’ll have another choice to make in about five seconds. Is there any wrong choice anyway? Or just a choice that will deliver different blessings and lessons than its opposite would have. Hmmm, I think some of the “worst ideas” and decisions have ended up teaching me the most remarkable lessons. Or just ended up being awesome stories/memories/etc.

    Pardon my little tangent here, I’m known to do that. Thanks for another mind-stirring post, Jen! xo

  • Reply barbarapotter August 4, 2012 at 1:02 am

    Wow so many amazing insights. Love this post

  • Reply Rachelle Smith aka Writer Yogi August 4, 2012 at 6:24 am

    I understand this feeling. Wanting to do something and not feeling like what I decide is right. We all get afraid of the “wrong decision” and like you and bodykarmabella said, so what?! But then my mind says, something bad may happen! Then my heart says, life comes with risks, and no nothing that horrible will happen, you always want to live it up girl LIVE!! Thanks for always sharing your insights with us! xoxo

  • Reply Sabrina Bolin (@MyMiBoSo) August 4, 2012 at 3:23 pm

    Jennifer, I <3 you. You have such a beautiful curiosity about your own life, and are so open and honest with your readers. I love that your aha was to start listening to that intuitive voice more closely and to lovingly release the need for others to validate what you know deep inside…the simple fact that you already have all the answers.

    On that note, let's go grab a gluten free pizza sometime 😉

  • Reply Adrienne Giuliano August 4, 2012 at 3:36 pm

    This is great….I am currently standing at a precipice myself, trying to decide who I am & want to be, in my mid-forties, going through a mid-life sort of thing. I love your blog, that I discovered through my Kundalini teacher Joe Longo’s Facebook posts…it makes me feel so much less alone & crazy! I will use it for inspiration to move forward & make some decisions for myself. Thanks Jennifer!

  • Reply Laura Badger August 5, 2012 at 3:30 am

    If I’m stressed out, I eat pizza! If not, I eat salmon!

  • Reply Lizzie May August 5, 2012 at 6:56 pm

    such an amazing post. I wish I had you to talk to when I worked at Equinox Santa Monica. I have been having huge struggles lately with simple decisions, such as making superfood orders on the internet or deciding what to get at the grocery store. I have been beating myself up for my struggles, and this post gave me some clarity as to why I might be treating so many little things, especially around food, with such a “must make the perfect choice or else” attitude. At any rate, you are pretty amazing and simply reading your posts has been a huge blessing for me, so thank you for doing what you do!

  • Reply Decide A Place November 11, 2016 at 5:41 am

    Decide A Place – https://decideaplace.com can help you decide where and what to eat.

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