courage, Eating Disorders/Healing, healing

This Is What Courage Looks Like.

October 25, 2012

Here is Part 2 by my Anonymous Guest Poster. This person is someone I met through my yoga classes and whom I am close to. She is working on opening up. I am very very proud of her. Read Part 1 called “What Happens When You Admit Out Loud That You Are Scared” here. The responses/comments are so inspiring it brought me to tears. They will blow you away. Just watch what happens when you admit you are scared, when you say you need help. Just watch! It’s downright amazing and magical.

Why are some imperfections in our lives so easy to share with others, whereas others are buried so deeply that we almost forget they are a part of us?

I have a serious candy addiction.

I love getting my hair blown out. So much that it’s probably also an addiction.

I will hashtag anything. My friends staged a #HashtagIntervention this summer.

I am very particular. I order food like Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally.

I am not naturally inclined towards yoga; my body just does NOT want to do most of those poses.

These are all quirks of my personality that any of my friends can attest to; even those who follow me on Twitter know them. I’ve always thought of myself as an open book because I share funny, self-deprecating anecdotes about my life–sometimes with virtual strangers.

But what about the things I have never shared with anyone?

I never feel “normal”.

Sometimes when I’m adjusted in a yoga pose, it’s the only time someone has touched me all day. It can reduce me to tears.

I think the way I treated my sister when we were younger has contributed to her struggles, and could impact our relationship permanently. I worry we will never get past our past.

I am still haunted by a breach of trust that happened 15 years ago. It devastated me, and it affects my ability to trust everyone.

Every now and then I hibernate–lock the door, turn off my phone, and spend 2 days completely by myself at home. When friends ask about my weekend, I give vague answers so they don’t know that I did nothing, saw no one.

I struggle every single day with what I eat. It’s usually too much or too little based on my perception of my weight or my emotional state that day. It’s consuming, exhausting and often very isolating. It’s disordered.

I have an eating disorder.

As I work towards living with a more open heart, it feels crucial that I finally say these things out loud–to myself and to other people. And to own them by putting my name to them. These pieces that aren’t pretty, but are a part of me.

And it’s time I start dealing with them.

**Note from Jen. The author has told me to tell you her name. Katie. It’s Katie. Now, that’s courage. That was a very big deal for her. No last name yet, but I applaud her! We welcome your comments at the bottom. Please let Katie know that she is not alone! And feel free to share the things that you want to get off your chest. With nothing but love xojen

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  • Reply Kat Reiner (@balanceandspice) October 25, 2012 at 1:57 pm

    Hey Katie, amazing work. Know you are loved and people are proud of you all the way in Australia!

  • Reply lesley October 25, 2012 at 2:01 pm

    go katie 🙂

  • Reply Janice October 25, 2012 at 2:08 pm

    Katie, I’m blown away by your courage to share and be vulnerable. Here is a really big hug. Now watch the love and support that come your way. It is all real. It is all for you.

  • Reply tracy October 25, 2012 at 2:08 pm

    You are beautiful Katie!!

  • Reply Annie Freeman October 25, 2012 at 2:12 pm

    much love to you, beautiful girl. You are an inspiration

  • Reply Jennifer Woods October 25, 2012 at 2:21 pm

    That’s a big move, Katie. Well done, and congratulations.

  • Reply Chelle aka Writer Yogi October 25, 2012 at 2:22 pm

    Good for you to have reached out to someone to help you express yourself! Also being brave enough to say “i have an eating disorder”. There are parts of myself I am afriad to claim even though I know I need to to move on. You are stronger than you think. Keep on pushing dear! Your words are worth something to us and yourself. Xoxo

  • Reply Stacey October 25, 2012 at 2:22 pm

    Big love from me to you, Katie. In every single aspect of who you are, you’re perfect just as you are today and, based on the courage you’ve shown here, you will continue to evolve into an ever-more perfect version of you. You’re amazing. I’m here to remind you if you forget.

  • Reply rvncrft72 October 25, 2012 at 2:23 pm

    Katie, you aren’t alone. I can stand up and give a loud “AMEN!”. Own it, it’s part of you, owning it makes you heal. Owning it, releases it, whatever “it” may be for you. Chin up, hang on tight, and never, ever, ever let yourself be used and abused because you will turn around and become the user/abuser. You deserve love, trust, truth, touch, YOU DESERVE IT!

  • Reply Ilena October 25, 2012 at 2:32 pm

    Wow Katie! Hallelujah! You are love. You are courage. You are beauty. You are imperfectly perfect – just as you are right now. You are inspiring. You are magnificent. You are my sister. You are a crucial element of the sisterhood. You are a beacon of light and connection in a world where it is so much easier to isolate. You are growing and changing every single day. We are excited for your mind, for your heart, for your soul and for your spirit. You are fucking amazing. I honour you. Sending copious supplies of love, light, and joy enfused with hope and faith aplenty. Namaste xxx

  • Reply Stephanie Neutze October 25, 2012 at 2:39 pm

    You went deep. So deep. I have chills. I love how you have opened up and are allowing these fears and struggles to surface. The hard part is over and it only gets easier now. Trust me on that…. (Jen can attest to the “old Stephanie”) I can’t believe just a week ago that we were complete strangers are now our hearts and souls are united. Now you’re freeeeeeeee….. free falling! XOXO

    • Reply Eliana Crema October 25, 2012 at 4:04 pm

      OMG that song made me cry and let go – so much! Beautiful memory. That’s for the reminder. 🙂

  • Reply Maureen October 25, 2012 at 2:50 pm

    I’m bawling! Katie…..do you know how NOT alone you are! I have been struggling terribly trying to figure out what is going on with me, and I just admitted to my husband & mom today as if you quoted me……”I struggle every single day with what I eat. It’s usually too much or too little based on my perception of my weight or my emotional state that day. It’s consuming, exhausting and often very isolating. It’s disordered.I have an eating disorder………And now it’s time I start dealing with it!”
    Thank you for your courage as you have inspired me! Sending love your way!

  • Reply Amanda Young October 25, 2012 at 3:05 pm

    You are amazing Katie! Admitting that you have a problem is the first step to fixing it! Be Fucking Amazing!!!

    Much Love!

    XOXOXOXO Amanda

  • Reply wendy October 25, 2012 at 3:12 pm

    I wonder how many feel “normal”……certainly not myself (and sometimes it makes me happy)…what a relief to see others feel that way too! BRAVE article……

  • Reply coco October 25, 2012 at 3:23 pm

    I am quite moved by the newfound honesty shown by Katie – similar issues of denial have recently come up for me (a person who considers herself an open book). How many other people around us live a bit of a lie daily? Doesn’t everyone have to front to a degree?

    I don’t tell my coworkers that I cry to/from work, i don’t tell the guy I have sex with that i’m think I love with him. Yet when i do post a self-deprecating post or admit i am getting slightly bitter, no one knows what to say. I guess it’s easier to comfort someone crying than someone laughing at their self.

    How do you break the ice that you hurt while also trying to champion an attitude of gratitude?

    I love to laugh (and smile) so it’s easier to make a joke at my status than actually go to the dark, mad, sad place which i try to avoid in public. I go to that place alone -why bother highlighting that negative place when i am with others. Am i living a lie by not admitting to more people my pain? Or that i have unrequited love for someone?

    I am incredibly proud of Katie for coming to an honest place and hope she can find a way to open heartedly communicate in every day life w/friends and family. And she can teach me about about this grander step towards healthy vulnerability.

  • Reply Rachel Pastiloff October 25, 2012 at 3:37 pm

    Completely blown away. You are so courageous Katie. You will find such peace when you let go and get honest. Sending love your way.

  • Reply barbarapotter October 25, 2012 at 3:43 pm

    Katie love that you can share. Sometimes it is so hard because we think people will turn against us or not love us. That has happened to me before. It is wonderful to know that you are in a group that are not judgmental and that love you and support you and care about you. You are amazing.

  • Reply Eliana Crema October 25, 2012 at 4:05 pm

    Katie, you are so f*cking amazing! Shine on, sister! We’re here for you – all the way! <3

  • Reply Sara October 25, 2012 at 4:38 pm

    Thank you so much, Katie, for sharing that with us. It was very moving. I hope it made you feel good to share.

  • Reply Heather October 25, 2012 at 5:09 pm

    Katie, you are awesome. I admire your courage. Believe it or not, some of those things you’ve never told anyone may be things that other people feel/do too (like me!).

    Thank you for reminding me that the things I struggle with and keep to myself may actually be things I have in common with others and need to show the world. Thank you for showing all of us.

  • Reply Courtney October 25, 2012 at 5:13 pm

    Hi Katie,
    I feel I needed to share a piece of Mayan wisdom “lak’ ech'” which loosely translated means “I am you and you are me”. Simply out, we are the same, no better no worse. Thank you for your beautiful soul. You are an inspiration!!

  • Reply stephanie October 25, 2012 at 7:07 pm

    thank you for sharing, katie. you are not alone.

  • Reply livilala October 25, 2012 at 11:20 pm

    Katie, you are amazing.

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  • Reply Liz Bird October 26, 2012 at 9:02 am

    Always so honest & raw… saying what we all wish we had the courage to. LOVE You.

  • Reply Regan October 26, 2012 at 10:18 am

    Bravery, boldness, truth, courage, vulnerability, love… WHOLE HEARTEDNESS.
    You are loved!!

  • Reply Joseph Longo (@joelongophoto) October 26, 2012 at 10:48 am

    Thank you for opening, for sharing and for helping us all move forward in a positive direction. Sending lots of LOVE!

  • Reply Diane Astourian October 26, 2012 at 2:43 pm

    When I read the sentence about your sister, it made me cry. When we were children, even though we were very close, I was often very mean to my younger sister. i completely abused her trust in and love for me. Now our relationship is distant and I’ve been regretting it for years. Somehow I never made the connection that the way I treated her years ago could have such an impact on how she feels about me now and, more importantly, how she feels about herself. Thank you for your openness and honesty. You’ve given me the courage to apologize to my sister and to let her know that I love her more than anything in the world.

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